My Semi-Charmed Life

So the plan was for me to blog more about my vacation tonight, but sometimes things happen that are sooo ridiculous/awesome that they must be blogged about immediately and that's what happened today. Kate says that I live a semi-charmed life and lately I think that I'm beginning to agree with her.

This morning I ran into the ghetto grocery store by my office to grab something to take for lunch. Below is the conversation between myself and an old lady with a cart full of cat food that stopped me in an aisle.

Old Lady: Cute shoes!
Me: Thanks.

Old Lady: Wear them while you can because when you get to be old like me you can't wear cute shoes because you're knees hurt and feet hurt and everything hurts.

Me: I will.

OL: They are sooo cute. They make you taller too.

Me: Yep

OL: Are they comfortable?

Me: Yep

OL: Well, I just wanted to tell you how cute they were.

Me: Thanks (I start to walk away)

OL: Wait! I want to give you a reward for having such cute shoes! (I walk back over to her and she's digging in her purse. I'm thinking 'am I going to get a quarter or what?' The woman pulls out a bag of candy and hands me three pieces.)

OL: Here you go.

Me: Thanks. Are these rootbeer barrels?

OL: Yep

Me: I love rootbeer barrels (i do love rootbeer barrels, so make a note.)

OL: They call me the candy lady of Harrisburg. I give candy to everyone.

Me: Thanks.

I know you are probably dying to know what shoes I had on by now, so here they are.

You know what makes them cuter? I got them for $20 on clearance. I was a little sketched out about getting candy from a stranger and thought they might be laced with LSD. (Kate thought they probably had razor blades in the middle of them.) But I had one after lunch (because I live life on the edge) and it seemed to be ok, so I guess not. Stay posted tomorrow for actual vacation posting.

PS I handed in my two weeks notice today. Fun Fun

Let the Ridiculous Blogging Begin

Well, I'm back. Thank God! Thanks, Kate, for the insightful blogs...gotta love non-emotional apology letters. As long as I don't lose steam, there should be lots of great blogs coming. Between my dance recital and the week long vacation with my family (and did i mention I'm handing in my two weeks notice on Monday?) I have lots of material. So I'm going to start with my dance recital with Sharon's which was last Friday (July 3rd) and move chronologically from there.

First let me explain the picture, that is my pirate hat and sword...yes, pirate hat and sword. I was in three dances this year: adult tap, teen tap and teen ballet (I realize I'm not a teen, but was invited to participate in the teen dances because I rock that much!). All of them seemed to have theme. Adult tap = James Bond, Teen Tap = pirates (complete with swords, boots and hat) and teen ballet = Alice in Wonderland, cards. I was very excited about the whole thing. I had a lot of friends and family coming, which I'm not sure I would do again because the family kinda seemed put out by the whole thing afterwards. I did well, I only screwed up one part which wasn't noticeable to anyone but one girl (who also happens to be my pirate sword-fighting partner and tends to take the sword fighting too seriously and tries to kill me.) The whole evening seemed to be characterized by near disasters and total cuteness.

Let's start with the near disasters. Not only was I in three dances (and of course the finale), but I was also on the stage crew. Along with one other adult, I was in charge of stage right, so I had to radio over to the production manager to let her know whether the kids that were coming on stage right were in position or not. This allowed me to be privy to a whole bunch of near disasters that ended up working out.

Disasters:

1) MAJOR DISASTER...the show was supposed to start at 7. At around 6:45 pm, suddenly people are running around asking if anyone has their show CD. Apparently, the laptop that had all the music on it froze and there was no sound. Somehow everything was transferred onto another laptop and the show started about five minutes late...close call.

2) During the Alice in Wonderland ballet, I had to help with the set changes especially since during dress rehearsal the people in charge of set didn't show up. Well there was supposed to be some fake grass and there was tape marking where it was supposed to go. The girl placing the grass couldn't see the tape when the lights were out kinda wandered around the stage staring at the floor trying to figure where exactly it went. I had to go out on stage tell her it was fine where it was and plop down a couple of large mushrooms to get her to move. (ugh...high school kids)

3) Also during the A in W ballet, the "Queen of Hearts" wore a corset that laced up the back and at one point got her scepter caught in the laces. I don't think the audience could tell, but because I was behind her saw her tugging at it to get loose. I thought for sure she was going to pull the laces open and the whole thing would fall off. Well, she got it out and everything was fine.

4) Also during ballet, the "White Rabbit" was off stage telling me and one other girl about who was going to be holding our props for another part. There was some disagreement and the white rabbit missed her cue to run on, drink a cup of tea and run off until a teacher pushed her on the stage which actually worked better which then made her look genuinely late.

5) One of my fellow adult tappers escorted a preschool class back to their dressing room following their dance. She got back there only to find the room mothers missing. So of course she had to stay there until they returned. She got back to the stage, while the number before our adult tap number was onstage. She was not in costume, so one other girl and myself basically dressed her on the side of the stage.

Now for some cuteness:

All of these basically have to do with the 2-5 year olds. Because really, nothing I do could be described as cute.

1) Before the show everyone gathers on stage for last minute instructions, pre-show prayer and to get a flower. One of the little 3 year olds raises her hand and says "I'm not wearing any underwear" The girl beside her answers "That's good because we're not supposed to!"

2) During tap, a girl flicks her tap shoe off. Walks over, picks it up, and walks off the stage. Someone off the stage frantically gets it back on her foot and ties it and the girl walks back on stage and continues the dance.

3) Everyone walked on stage for the dance during a black out (there was no curtain up, curtain down stuff). The preschoolers are standing there on stage during a black out (I think waiting for their leader) and I hear a little voice yell "ok, we're all here! You can start now!" I don't think the audience heard though because no one but those back stage actually laughed.

4) The preschool kids were supposed to be flowers for the Alice in Wonderland Ballet. They were supposed to start off curled up in a ball and then Alice comes by with a watering can and they grow into flowers. Well during rehearsal they kinda refused to grow and in fact one girl never did grow until Sharon came buy and picked her up. During the show, the issue was getting them down into seeds. They were all just standing one stage and myself (in my bright red card costume) and the Cheshire cat girl are standing off stage right forcefully whispering "be seeds! Be seeds!" and curling in a ball on the floor. They eventually got the hint just as Alice came out to start watering.

5) After their flower dance, they are supposed to "sprinkle" Alice and Alice falls asleep. (ala Wizard of Oz, Dorothy and poppies). Well, as soon as Alice was asleep the "flowers" were down on their knees peeking in her face to see if she was awake and had to be pulled off the stage.

Ahh...memories.

I know that one of the things that Jen enjoys posting about is the ridiculous things that happen at work. To that end, I thought I would share some recent apology letters that I received. Apology letters have to be one of my favorite occurrences. They mean that a teacher or teachers, usually at a program that doesn't have a lot of control over its students and where the kids constantly disrespect and challenge any form of authority, has felt so badly about the way that the kids act during a program that they actually make them site down and write apology letters. The most common form is a form apology letter- one that is written by the teacher in a fit of "why are my children uncontrollable" remorse, dictated and copied down by children of varying ages. The apology letters that I received this past Tuesday are of an even more enjoyable version. That's right--entirely created by the mind of 13 year old girls!

(1)
Dear.
Ms. Kate sorry for acting up during the time you were in my class for the girl scouts I was having a very bad day so Im wondering will you please except my apology in if you do thank you N if you don't sorry you feel dat way.
{This first one is actually the best one. Ironically, it's from a girl that I had in my outreach groups long before summer outreach--formerly in a youth detention center group! The letter speaks for itself}

(2)
Dear Miss Kate,
I am sorry about our class in Girl Scouts. I hope you do come back and I will try to listen and be respectful next time.
{After reading the rest of the letters I'm sure that you will, as I did, conclude that this girl is most likely to have a future in bright, polite society. Probably accounts for why she was the least badly behaved of the badly behaved girls?}

(3)
I am so sorry Love ya (unintelligible scribble)
{Why thank you girl whose name I cannot read. The fact that you took the time to write five words so gigantic and diagonally across a piece of lined paper really warms my heart.}

(4)
To: Miss K
I'm sorry if you think I disrespected you I promise it won't happen again Come back
{Wait a second, I'm not even sure if this one is really an apology... but the lack of punctuation is, again, heartwarming.}

(5)
I am sorry for whatever I did me personaly dont think think I did anything wrong but if you the I disrespected you in any way I apologize.
{So this letter has poor spelling, no punctuation, inattention to word use or word order and is AGAIN not really an apology. I don't even know how to explain the fact that she is missing words not once but twice. I can't even pretend that this letter warmed my heart. I know she's not sorry--she was so convinced of her innocence that she chased me out of the building trying to bargain for the candy I promised them if they behaved. The blatantly unapologetic tone of the letter also begs another question. Did the teachers not read the apologies before they stapled them together and put my name on, or was this the best they could get out of her?}

The inanity! Oh, the inanity!

Sorry it's taken me a little while to get going- I was on vacation last weekend and had to properly recover. I'll try not to bore you too much while Jen's away. I say this, not to be self deprecating, but because I'm generally not super exciting and insightful. In fact, one of my best talents is words (told you I'm not exciting). In fact, I usually post an almost weekly word of the week around the office. Of course this goes only to people who are appropriately cool enough not to fire me for being sarcastic in relation to current events. So this week I'm sharing with you.


Inanity, noun-(ih-nan-nit-tee)
1. silliness; lacking in significance
2. shallow or superficial

Example: Originally this post was going to be about my brilliant new analogy (that's right, analogy. similes use connecting words) for boys. I've decided, through careful observation and brilliant deduction, that boys are like hills. They are not like ogres- they do not resemble onions or anything like a parfait. They have one layer (yes, I am aware that hills have strata, but vocab is cool enough, I refuse to discuss geology). One layer- but the layer has different depths. Now, being educated, I am aware that this is a vast oversimplification and is also ambiguously either insulting or complimentary. So I thought that I should come up with something equally ambiguous as an analogy for girls. Why piss off only half of the population? Girls are like labyrinths. You can try to figure them out, but even if you figure it out, you just end up in the center with a minotaur (a ferocious Grecian, mythological creature that was half man and half bull). Really, there's just no winning. I tried to discuss this analogy with my former roommate, only to find that we were at complete impasse when she insisted that girls are not like labyrinths, which only have one solution and it never changes. Girls are like mazes- mazes having several solutions- more confusing. We had a twenty minute conversation about the nuanced meanings of labyrinths versus mazes. Let's just stop and consider that for a minute.

And there you have it. I have, all at once, proven that I may be "brilliant" ( I suspect Jen may have been exaggerating), but I am NOT exciting AND given you a real world-ish example of the perfect time to use the word inanity.

(Other forms are inane, inaneness and inanely and the plural is inanities.)

It's the Thought that Counts

Well, I've managed to find time between packing for the Outer Banks and getting ready for my big dance recital tonight to blog. Kate (my brilliant coworker) has agreed to be a guest blogger while I'm away (we haven't had one of those for a while!).

On to the subject of this blog. This week during summer outreach our theme was "Considerate and Caring" so along with various other activities the girls were making cards for Caitlin's Smiles, a great organization here in Harrisburg that puts together "Bags of Smiles" for kids in hospitals. They recommend that we not put "Get well soon" on the cards because well, we don't really know if that is a possibility for these children. We passed on that recommendations to the girls, and I didn't get any Get Well cards, but here's ones they did turn in to me. My comments are of course in parenthesis.

"I hope you fill beter" (awww...cute little kid misspelling)
"Hal you donen. I wut be yor fid" (My kid translation may be a little off, but I think this says how you doin? I want to be your friend.)
"Smile. Don't be sad you will be ok. I hop you fell better."
"All the tuff you can do if you are in a wheelchair" (there were then little boxes drawn where I can only assume she intended to draw all the stuff you can do in a wheelchair, but got bored and didn't finish. I really wish there had been pictures!)
"HA I was think u" (well, the HA seems slightly inappropriate)
"Thinking bout u! I know u r in the hospital but smile, be happy cause I was well. I am thinking bout u." (selfish, isn't she?)
"Be Happy. Well is good."
"You rock. Jump, smile, be happy." (Nice sentiment, but I'm not sure we want to encourage all these sick children to be jumping)
"Fight your hardest to keep your life alive." (for some reason this depresses me).

Well, that's all. All the rest Kate and I approved for hospital kid usage. Though some of them had very creative spelling/pictures which made them almost as funny. See you all when I get back from vaykay.

I Disowned some Friends from My IPOD

Recently I've put a bunch of new songs on my computer and thought it was about time to cycle them onto my IPOD. Some of them were songs that I already knew I liked and some were ones that I just thought I would come to like, but felt I should give them a chance. That of course meant I had to make space for them on my IPOD. ::sigh::

Maybe I'm just too sentimental, but every time I delete songs from my IPOD I get the same feeling that I do when I cross someone out in my address book (not that I do that a lot because believe me I need all the friends I can get). I'll give you some examples of songs I deleted so that you can see what I mean.

1) Dixie Chicks "Goodbye Earl" -- This song is like a crazy Uncle Larry (not that I have an Uncle Larry or any crazy uncles). You really like him and he's fun to be around, but there's just something that's not right about him. I mean this song is about killing someone after all.

2) Lionel Ritchie "Ballerina Girl" -- For some reason this song really reminds me of being a little girl with my dad. I'm not really sure why. But this song is kinda like that friend from kindergarten that you still kinda stay in touch with, but now you're completely different and utterly incompatible people. Though its still hard to let go because she was totally like your best friend when you were five and you have great memories of playing Barbies together.

3) Tom Waits "The Piano Has Been Drinking" --This song is like that cousin that you have in prison (trust me, I speak from experience). While you find her really funny, and close friends find her amusing, you're a little embarrassed when random people find out about her.

4) REM "Everybody Hurts" --This is the friend that is always upset or depressed about something. You keep her around though because sometimes it's good to have someone around more pathetic than yourself. Sorry REM, I'm getting rid of negativity, so you have to go.

5) Baha Men "Who Let the Dogs Out" -- This is the friend that still likes to go out and party every night till 2am. Yes, that was fun about 5 years ago (or more), but I'm a grown up now with grown up things to do (like a job), so sorry, but you have to go.

Maybe I'm just more attached to my songs then most people. But it was a really emotional ordeal. I felt like I had to apologize to the song for deleting it, and had to keep repeating "I can always add it back later. I can always add it back later."

Crazy, Crazy Week

Holy crap! Where did the week go? I feel like I need to pull out my planner to recap. My mom has been in town (hence the lack of bloggage)....so hmm...what's happened.

1) Last week I dealt with just absolutely ridiculous people at work. I can deal with serious problems (stealing money, yelling at children, etc.), but ridiculous stuff makes me want to lose my mind. Like the leader that thinks her girls were singled out because they were told to remove their bandannas at a flag ceremony and told to stop climbing on a tree...sigh (crazy people make life interesting. crazy people make life interesting) Since then Kate and I have decided to make a crazy themed play list...feel free to make recommendations.

2) I went to Winston-Salem with my mom. We saw my apartment which is SMALL and won't have space for my kitchen table, but does have a jacuzzi tub in the bedroom...which is good? I freaked out slightly but luckily my mom was there to calm me down. It was ridiculous hot. We had a record letterboxing day with 15 finds in one day (and that was all before 2pm) and we saw a turtle (and I took a picture). Absolutely no flight problems which was incredible.

3) My cousins got sent home from Milton Hershey because of swine flu. Because that makes sense (she sarcastically blogged). Let's send thousands of kids that may have been exposed to swine flu back all over the country to go home.

4) I'm getting more nervous about my dance recital which is about 2 weeks away, but I'm still missing two costumes and a significant portion of the pirate tap routine...yes, I said pirate tap (we even have chereographed sword fighting which my partner is taking way too seriously). I'm more nervous because I got my ballet costume last week and it was like two sizes to big, so I can't wait to see what the other two are like!

5) I made a ridiculously good Gooey Butter Cake (a la Paula Deen). I added crushed pineapple to the topping. Yum. I want to go eat some right now. (What's with me using the word ridiculous with me all the time?)

6) Mom went home. I'll see her in two weeks when we head of to North Carolina for a week of hell with my entire family.

Who Knew Diseases Were So Lovable?

First, I would like to apologize in case this turns out to be incoherent, babbling dribble (not that my normal posts aren't incoherent, babbling dribble), but I am ridiculous tired from a 24 hour stint for work at Camp Small Valley (aka the caterpillar poo rainforest).

Like a week and a half ago, we were forced to take "Outdoor Training." well, except for the lame people who are worthless anyway and somehow managed to get out of it. The trainer (actually they are now called Adult Learning Facilitators) started talking about ticks and pulled out a fuzzy rendition of Lyme Disease which was then followed by Giardia. I just had to check out what other stuffed animal diseases were available.

Here is my top 10 wish list of fuzzy microbes. I also love that you can order these in a set that come in a cardboard petri dish. (Now I know that most of the times, the links I have connected to this blog are useless information, but you MUST click on these links. They are imperative to the blog content.)

10) Toxic Mold: Because it looks like a really pissed off elephant
9) Sea Sparkle: It looks high and because the description says "light up your life" I'm wondering if they did that on purpose.
8) Chicken Pox: Didn't think a virus could actually look like a chicken, did you?
7) Sperm Cell: a) it has a blue bow on it. b) it uses the words "little man's man" and c) it's a stuffed sperm!
6) Chlamydia: looks like a pissed off lesbian and the description says "playing doctor is a game you don't want to lose" ha
5) Mad Cow: I'm really a fan of diseases that they made look like animals. And could the description be any cornier?
4) MRSA:They actually put a cape on it! Because it's a "super bug"...get it?
3) Fat Cell: Could fat be any cuter? No! Plus it has a little animation at the bottom that bounces around.
2) "Kissing Disease" aka Mono: what a little slut this virus is! Just look at the animation.
1) Flesh Eating: This looked a little boring at first, but then I read the ridiculous description and then noticed it had a little knife and fork embroidered on it and that's why it got my top spot.

I wish more of my friends had small children so I could by these for their birthdays and creep the parents out.

Happy Help a Turtle Across the Road Month

So in case you've ever heard of those really crazy holidays (aka National Popcorn Day) and wondered if people just make them up, the answer is yes, yes they do. My good friends over at S-C sent me this and request that I blog about it. So I will. Blogging on demand...don't ever say I wasn't a blogger for the people. My comments will be in {} since there are already parenthesis in the e-mail. I will also have some other enjoyable comments following the e-mail.

"June is National Help a Turtle Across the Road Month {you couldn't come up with something a little catchier than that? Like just off the top of my head I'm thinking "Shell Out Some Help Month" Get it? Shell? Cause turtles live in a shell?} (actually I just made that up) {see, I told you people just make that shit up} But every June you will see Turtles on the move {why is turtles capitalized? Is Turtle a person and I'm just misunderstanding this whole thing? Wasn't the one character on Saved By the Bell, Lisa Turtle? Reread this just thinking of Turtles as her family...it makes it funnier} – following their primal reptilian instinct…{to be slimy?}* (*See JB if you need to know more about this){I don't know who JB is or why he knows about turtle sex, but I don't think that I want to know} I helped my first sex-crazed, shelled friend across Furnace Road this morning. {do you want a cookie?} Want to keep the ‘Turtle’ in Turtle Creek?{this may be funnier for ND people because Turtle Creek was the off campus housing known for such wild drunk fests as 'Rally in the Alley,' 'Kegs and Eggs,' and of course, 'Beer Olympics', so of course we want to keep the turtle in Turtle Creek} And in the Susquehanna River, Penns, Buffalo and Middle Creeks? {I don't know where those places are, but I guess turtles are good and should be in them} Keep an eye out and give them a lift to the other side when you can."{how fast is this guy driving that he's seeing turtles on the side of the road? I've ridden numerous times with my mom who goes 5 miles under the speed limit because "It's the speed LIMIT, Jennifer." and have yet to spot a turtle.}

Ok, so this e-mail made me curious as to the other stupid holidays that people probably in all likelihood just made up. According to the internet, here are a few of my favorites.

First, I of course looked up my birthday, December 30th and discovered that I had two holidays. "Festival Of Enormous Changes At The Last Minute and
National Bicarbonate Of Soda Day" I would have to say that these are the two things least like me. a) I hate changes at the last minute and b) bicarbonate of soda is just stupid.

January 9th: Play God Day--ok, I know that God has a lot of holidays, but I'm not sure that means you should take one in his place. I mean she is God after all. Yes, I referred to God with a feminine pronoun...want to argue about it?

January 18th: Winnie the Pooh Day--I HATE Winnie the Pooh. Why does an obese homosexual bear deserve his own day? If any character should have their own day from that show, it should be Eeyore. Eeyore put up with everyone else's crap and never got jack shit.

January 22nd: National Answer Your Cat's Question Day--what? Can someone with cat's please explain this? unless "cat" is meant in the blues club sense of "cat" in which case it makes sense, but is just stupid.

February is National Return Carts to the Supermarket Month -- so pull out that cart you've been hiding in the closet and get it back to the store!

March 22nd: National Goof Off Day--you need an official day for that? I thought it was just called Friday.

April 23rd: World Laboratory Animal Day -- man, that's more depressing than Valentine's Day

May: Fungal Infection Awareness Month --I'm just thinking about the missed opportunity for Hallmark.

May 11th: Eat what you want day -- they actually announced this on the radio on that day and the radio announcer had to say "now if you have a food allergy, that doesn't mean you can eat that today." Do we really need to say that? If someone is that dumb, don't we kinda want to weed them out?

July: National Ice Cream Month -- My favorite month now! There are like six days that have something to do with ice cream. YEAH! (I didn't forget June...it just sucked)

August 8th: Sneak Some Zucchini Into Your Neighbor's Porch Night -- if you have the maturity of a 10 year old, like I do...this is really funny.

September 2nd: National Beheading Day -- where exactly is this currently being celebrated?

October 3rd: Virus Appreciation Day -- I'm not sure what I'm supposed to appreciate about a virus.

November 2nd: National Deviled Egg Day -- is it just me or are deviled eggs not really a November type food? that would be like having national Egg Nog Day in July. it just doesn't work.

November 15th: National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day -- someone alert the fridge gnome.

December sucks too so I'm done. I guess they ran out of ridiculous holidays by time they got to December and all they had left was National Bicarbonate of Soda day...jeesh.

Letters From Prison: The Trilogy

I got another compliment on my Letters from Prison series, so thought I needed to add another one. I'm super pissed at myself though because I had one where she discusses the prison tattoos she got and suggests that we get a tattoo together, but I can't find that one. This one is from about a month ago and is ok (though not as good as the tattoo one. My thoughts will be in {}.

"Hey, how are you doing? I was wondering if you ever had time and would like to visit me? {hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah....sorry, I think I just broke a rib laughing so hard} If so {no} my visits are at 6pm - 6:50 {about 50 minutes too long by my calculations} on Saturdays and you come thru {she spelled thru like drive thru...ha} the main doors and you need two forms of id {of course you do} you have 2 be here at like 5:40 pm though {you could've just saved yourself a whole lot of description} I figured I'd let you know in case you had a free Saturday. I love the Garfeild paper {i use up all my random stationary on her...garfield, lisa frank, etc....i almost typed anne frank there and was like wait, that's not right} you know aunt jan gave me that clock {of course she did.} i had it forever till the kids broke it {till i sold it for crack}."

"i'm glad your wine and choc. party was a hit, i wish i coulda come {let's see prison...wine and chocolate....prison...wine and chocolate...yeah, I'd pick the wine and chocolate party too.} Yes, I've gone fishing. I love it. You'll have to go with me sometime {no, thanks} My dads a BIG fisher {that's what she said} he used to have a boat to fish out of! {unnecessary exclamation point I think} you ever go camping? {i've been in Girl Scouts 21 years...what do you think?} It's lots of fun if you love the nature {and a bitch if you don't love the nature}. The best part is eating what you personally caught {and snorting what you've personally scored}."

"Well I hope IPODS got cheap. maybe like 100$ {sorry, that's not really where a dollar sign is supposed to go...i know its confusing because you say one hundred dollars, but just take my word for it} that's reasonable for me {um...you've never held down a job for more than 2 weeks. how is $100 reasonable?} I really want one. I'm thinking of all types of songs already! Well, maybe I can get a Wii this Christmas from someone {sorry, Santa says you're on the naughty list} but my celly {for those of you that have never been to prison that would be her cellmate} was telling me that PS3's are way better so maybe I'll ask 4 that instead {well, celly knows best}. I'm gonna get a shamrock tattoo when I get out {why wait?}. Yes, I love 2 read {i love how she uses numbers like she's texting...is it really that hard to right to?} in here I read about a book a day...all novals {you would think your spelling would be better then}. well out of room {thank, God}. Until next letter!"

Sometimes Yoga Things Really Horrify Me

The first time I found myself horrified by yoga was when my yoga instructor (the crunchy, yuppy one) had me put my big toe on my "third eye" aka forehead. I'm not really sure what freaked me out so much about this, but the whole thing just felt wrong (like kicking a puppy).

Well today I became even more horrified by yoga (though I still love it). I've been fighting a cold and was debating whether to go to yoga class today, so I did what anyone else would do and googled it. The answer was no, you should not do yoga when sick but they did recommend the "six purification techniques of yoga." I had never heard of this, but was intrigued so of course I then googled that and found this scary website. Here are the six purification processes as listed on the site and my comments in brackets [] since some of the things already include parenthesis. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe some fasting or something, but it wasn't this.

1. DHAUTI- Yogic cleansing of the digestive tract.
a. Antar ( internal )Dhauti -This further divided into -
Vatsara Dhauti (Expelling air through anus) [aka farting]
Varisara Dhauti (Evacuating a large quantity of water through the bowels) [what is considered a large quantity?]
Vahnisara Dhauti (rapid expanse/contraction of the abdomen) [ok, we've actually done this one in yoga class and is i would say the lesser of the evils]
Bahiskrita Dhauti (washing the rectum in the hands) [what?]
b. Hrida(cardiac) Dhauti - It has 3 kinds of practices -
Danda Dhauti (Inserting soft banana stem in the stomach) [i'm not even sure what to picture here]
Vastra Dhauti (Swallowing a long thin strip of cloth) [yummy]
Vaman Dhauti (Regurgirating the contents of the stomach) [and you thought this was an eating disorder...really its just yoga]

2. BASTI- Yogic colon cleaning
a. Jala (water) Basti (Water is sucked in the large intestine through the anus and expelled) [well, that doesn't sound like fun]
b. Sthala (Dry) Basti (Air is sucked in the large intestine through the anus and expelled) [oh, much better]

3. NETI - Yogic nasal cleaning
a. Sutra (thread) Neti (passing a soft thread through the nose) [i'm not sure it matters how soft it is. it still sounds like flossing the inside of your nose to me.]
b. Jala (water) Neti (passing warm saline water through the nose) [this happened to me in the ocean once. i don't recommend it]
c. Ghrita (ghee) Neti (passing clarified butter through the nose) [clarified butter? really?]
d. Dugdha (milk) Neti (passing of milk through the nose) [it's bad when i'm thinking "passing milk through your nose doesn't sound that bad"]

4. TRATAKA- Yogic Concentrated Gazing
a. Bahiranga (external) Trataka [i'm disappointed that there wasn't more info on this, so i did more research. this is basically staring at something...like a candle flame...without blinking until your eyes water...fun!]
b. Antaranga (internal) Trataka [this is just visualizing something with your eyes closed. seems almost too easy at this point]

5. NAULI – Yogic abdominal massage
a. Madhyama Nauli (the isolated contraction of the central muscles of the abdomins)[like pilates?]
b. Vama Nauli (the isolated contraction of the left part of the central muscles of the abdomen) [pilates?]
c. Dakshina Nauli (the isolated contraction of the right part of the central muscles of the abdomen) [again i thought pilates until i decided to google and found this disturbing picture]
d. Nauli kriya (the circular movement of the central muscles of the abdomen) [circular pilates?]

6. KAPALBHATI – yogic purification and vitalisation of the frontal lobes.
a. Vatkrama Kapalbhati (similar to bhastrika pranayama) [oh! well why didn't you say so! i looked this up. it's basically really fast breathing through your nose...like 3-4 breaths a second.]
b. Vyutkrama Kapalbhati (sucking water in through the nose and expelling it through the mouth) [in kate's words "i spend my time trying not to do this"]
c. Sheetkrama Kapalbhati [i love how they assume you know what this is. thanks to google i now know its the opposite of the one above. this one you suck the water...preferably salt water...in your mouth and expel out your nose...again, i try not to do this]

[yeah, all those just sound like tons of fun. One website I came across said "Of these six practices, many are best performed in private and would not be suitable for use during a class." no crap! it would have to be a really close yoga class in order to want to pass some clarified butter through your noses together! ps spellcheck really hated this post]

Memorial Day Weekend: Part 2

So this is the part of the weekend that everyone really wants to hear about...the black tie wedding. Bright and early Sunday morning, my dad picked me up and we headed down to Tysons Corner Virginia. We arrived just as the mall opened. Perfect! I love this mall. Though I actually didn't buy anything...what's up with that? We had lunch at Brio which was pretty yummy. After shopping some more, we checked into our room at the Ritz and just chilled until it was time to get ready for the big shin dig.

The groom was in his fifties and this was his first marriage so the theme of the wedding was "when pigs fly and hell freezes over." Interesting theme. How was this theme expressed? If the invitations, and the little pig with wings on the note card in the out of town guest goodie bag didn't tip you off. Then maybe the 6 foot high devil ice sculpture would give you a clue.

It was also a martini luge, which served four different types of martinis being dispensed out the bottom of the pitchfork. Yummy! There were also glass vases full of fireballs on either side of the sculpture which my dad filled his tuxedo pockets with towards the end of the night. And if you didn't get the idea from that, then maybe this:

Pig with wings cookies (though they kinda look like pink dogs) and chocolate medallions with devil appliques that were delivered to each table. I also may have gotten my dad in trouble because he stole an extra pig cookie which I thought was for my mom, but when I asked my mom today how it was, she had no idea what I was talking about.

Though that seemed to not be the only theme. The invitation stated that the event was black tie (or at least cowboy formal) so there also seemed to be a higher than normal percentage of cowboy hats and bolo ties. That may have tied into the cake:

Because obviously a stagecoach has nothing to do with pigs or hell (except maybe my own personal version of hell). Yes, there are musical instruments on the top of it. What can I say? They're in the music business. NERDS. Did I mention this was a Charm City (AKA Ace of Cakes) cake? Of course. Though we never actually ate the cake.

The food was very eclectic and plentiful. The cocktail hour seemed to be Asian themed. As there was a sushi station, some sort of burrito type thing with Peking duck, carved seared tuna, and various types of dumplings. Though there were waiters wandering around with everything from prosciutto and melon to barbecue chicken skewers to caviar and salmon wraps. We had no idea what to expect inside the actual reception...so let's have everything! There was a pasta station with chefs preparing pasta dishes so that it would be warm and fresh, there was a meat carving station (with filet of course), a seafood station with lobster, crab cakes, oysters, shrimp, etc., an antipasto station and a salad station. Then on top of that for dessert there were crepes being made to order, bananas foster being prepared by a chef, cookies, brownies and an ice cream sundae station where the poor chef girl was dishing out ice cream with a melon baller. I mixed desserts and had vanilla ice cream with warm bananas foster on top.

In case the food didn't break the bank, maybe the half dozen open bars, two bands (one big band, one Motown) and ridiculous floral centerpieces did.

One of the other women there with my dad's company was ridiculous drunk, and the HR staff person was almost forced into action but her boyfriend took her up to the room for the night. Though not before some ridiculous dancing to "New York, New York," her nearly toppling off of her chair at dinner, and multiple yellings of Mazel Tov during the speeches (it was a Jewish couple so that was only slightly inappropriate). All in all, a good time.

Memorial Day Weekend, Part 1

I realize that I'm going to be become bored of this post before I cover the whole weekend, so I'm going to split it in at least two.

My dad was in town for the weekend. (PS I have discovered that he somehow accidentally signed up for facebook and has a page, but nothing on it.) Saturday started off, and we went to visit my grandpa which was rather boring. After that we decided to go to lunch at The Chocolate Avenue Grille. I had the BEST salad EVER. I'm not even exaggerating. It's called "Jess's Favorite Salad In the Whole World." Look it up on the website. We were sitting out on the patio because it was a gorgeous day. Just before we were about to leave someone rear-ended another person on Chocolate Avenue. There was a lot of damage, but the person who had been rear-ended just drove away. Weird. Is there such a thing as be hit and run? We think they probably either a) had a suspended license (my mom's idea) or b) had a dead body in the trunk (Danielle's idea).

So from there we headed down to the Harrisburg Arts Festival. We didn't end up getting anything except a few delicious coconut macaroons.

Doesn't that look yummy!

After watching some Food Network (my dad is a Food Network junkie...weird). We headed off to my Uncle Bill's for a big picnic. We watched as the Phillies just gave a win away to the Yankees...painful. Then I doubted my decision to attend the big family vacation in the Outer Banks in July as there was a lot of fighting going on amongst the kids (sometimes with shovels and plastic swords). But once the food was ready, everyone was happy. I was a little disappointed because there was no fruit on the menu...hello? it's fruit season. Even if you don't want to cut everything up for a fruit salad, can't I at least have some watermelon or something. The other thing that bothers me is that they always have too much dessert. It's family tradition to make homemade ice cream. You would think that is really all you need, but apparently it was necessary to also have fudge, brownies and some sort of strawberry jello-y stuff. Oh well.

Well, that's it for now. Stay tuned for a recap of the big black tie wedding!

A Technicality

My dad: I got a ticket today
Me: For what?
My dad: Speeding
Me: Oh yeah?
My dad: He got me on a technicality though.
Me: What?
My dad: I was going 75 in a 45.

Shopping and Fun in NYC

Next weekend I've been recruited with the promise of shopping by my dad to attend a back tie wedding gala because my mom refused to go (which should lead to a good blog post next weekend). So when I saw that Swatara Township was offering a "Day on Your Own In NYC" bus trip for like $40 a ticket, I knew I had to call on my fashion advisor (and former college roommate) Marcia.

I met Marcia just after getting off the bus and we went straight into shopping mode at Bloomingdale's and after finding the correct section found this dress. The one I have is actually darker than the one pictured, so I'm not sure if its just the picture or actually a different color. A random guy with an African accent who was sitting in the lounge area of the dressing room remarked that it was his favorite color and that he would buy it for me...bizarre? I did not let him buy it for me (this may have been some sort of proposal for marriage in his country which would have been "bad news bears" according to Marcia.) We then went to Nine West and bought these shoes. Another random shopper remarked as to how cute they were...weird.

We then realized we were EXTREMELY hungry. We took the train downtown (actually I don't remember whether we took the train before or after shopping) and stopped by her apartment. After meeting her French bulldog, Madeline (Bonjour, Madeline!...yes, I just gave a dog a shout out in my blog. Do you have a problem with that?) and have Madeline like my toes in approval of me, we went to brunch. We originally wanted to go to some place with tacos, but after not being able to get in because of a stuck door we gave up (obviously we were not meant to eat there) and went to Oliver's where we had mimosas.

and I had waffles with fresh berries and cinnamon cream which I would like to eat by the spoonful (the cinnamon cream that is).
We also discussed the fashion trend of wearing leggings as pants and pointed out people who should and should not be wearing them out the window. We also saw a police man giving a parking ticket to a Mack truck. haha We then went to a crafty street fair and saw lots of really cute things, though didn't end up buying anything...surprisingly.

We then went to our friend Joe's apartment (where Marcia's husband Matt was). On the way there we began to make fun of French people until we realized that we were walking next to French people. At Joe's apartment we hung out on his fire escape and drank beer and sangria (not together, I drank sangria, everyone else had beer) and booed people for the poor choice in outfit and also inability to park (the true New York experience).

Then Matt, Joe and I went to a wonderful outdoor courtyard at A.O.C (l'Ail ou la Cuisse) who's website says "A Little Bit of France In New York." Which was completely true at first as we were completely ignored for several minutes as we stood by the bar waiting to be seated in the courtyard. But after that we enjoyed more wine and a really really good cheese plate.

Well, it was almost time for me to go. So I went back to Marcia and Matt's apartment to pick up my new dress and shoes. Marcia took me into the subway and gave me instructions on how to get back to the where I was supposed to meet the bus. However, we were so focused on getting me into the subway and back uptown that we forgot a goodbye hug and settled for a high five in between the bars. HAHA I had a ton of fun and was so exhausted today that I meant to go to yoga and fell asleep instead.

Sometimes I Really Hate My Job

The most productive thing I did all afternoon was color the end of lollipop sticks with a marker for Kate. Really? I went to college for this?

The Fridge Gnome

My office needs a fridge gnome, but we don't have one. Amanda 2's office does and recently sent out an e-mail to the staff.

"I have been informed that many staff have decided to engage in refrigerator gardening this spring (please note example on the left). While admirable, it is strictly forbidden to use agency facilities for fungal cultivation. SHAME ON YOU!

As a result of this gross (pun intended) lapse in proper fridge usage, there will be a general purging of fridge contents. See below for details. The minions of the Honorable Order of the Fridge Gnome will be throwing this hot dog away Friday, May 21, 2009 at 2:00 PM. Mark your calendars!

And oh yes, along with it ANYTHING left in the fridge and freezer at that time, that does NOT have a Staff name SECURELY affixed to it, in an EASY - TO - SEE way will be thrown in the garbage. This means EVERYTHING. Unopened soda, salad dressings, frozen hot pockets, yogurt, your great aunt’s crystal serving dish, we don’t care. We will NOT be saving anything that is not labeled. No dishes will be washed and saved. Can’t get a label to stick to the side of your container? Don’t care, put it in a bag, tape the bag closed and label that. Take it home or label it, or DON’T WHINE LATER ONCE IT IS GONE. Labels will be placed in a convenient location in the kitchen to be used to label your containers. If our labels don’t work, get your own and don’t complain.

PS: we would like other to join my minions in the fridge purging revelry, please let me know, or show up and pitch in. No whiners, please.

PPS; If you have interns who may use the refrigerator, but who may not be on the mailing list, please tell them as well."

So funny (and soooo gross), did I mention that the fridge gnome has his/her own e-mail address?

Little Nuggets of Comedic Genius

Sometimes I wonder why I keep some of the shit I do, and then I find things like this and realize why. For those of you that did not know me in college, I have to give you some background. My friend Danielle, who at the time was 600 miles away from me at Penn State, would send me hysterically funny e-mails (sometimes sober, sometimes not) which I would pull quotes from and put on my aim profile...much to the enjoyment of my friends. I don't really get many psycho e-mails from her now (more just psycho voicemails). ::sigh:: Well, good news, I just found the notebook which held all of her quotes. YEAH!! So here are some of my favorites, along with some new never before seen quotes. I can't make this shit up folks. I will abbreviate the profanity, but I think you'll still pretty much get the idea.

"WARNING: e-mail is long and funny and can potentially produce uncontrollable laughing. do not read this e-mail while operating heavy machinery. (who the f*** would read their e-mail while using a forklift, i ask you.)"

"Pothead apologized to me last night for having sex all the time."

"i wonder if the sims are real people who are just trapped in my computer. like when i messed around on fehran's computer and accidentally killed the mom adn they all cried and i laughed. was that mean of me?? to neglect their feelings? to not only neglect their feelings but then turn around and laugh?? i'm sorry sims family. God i'm sorry."

"Point h) the point f up there really threw me. we almost had another g point but no funny, cool words start with g. unless you consider glittoris funny. wait, that's not right."

"my mom said, i wonder where he got the script from. i said , uh, hello, it came from the Bible."

"then she said why do young people think they are the only ones who have sex? i personally never ever wanna have this kind of conversation with my mom ever ever again."

"saw a special on brit brit today. i personally like when there are pictures out there of her that look wretched."

"unless of course you grew a f***ing heart and a conscience which we both know will never happen."

"I swear to God I am on a different planet called stupid."

"so what does it say when i'll listen to O-town before i'll listen to bsb? it says Kevin is queer."

"the fact that most times she sounds coherent upsets me cuz its like she's lying."

"pokd i'm dgoona go lay dwon now and itry ot sleepe. ok byeb buyye."

"wouldn't it be totally ironic to have a cat named fievel?"

"four words: tone loc: wild thing"

"finally, stop using f***ing tildes around your name. that is so 2001."

That is all for now...but i have plenty more. This may become a regular series like "letters from prison." Which by the way, I should have soon.

Big Weekend

Wow…it’s a busy weekend. I guess the only real way to end a busy week is with a busy weekend, but I’m going to be totally exhausted by Monday. Friday the PAL (Program and Adult Learning Guide) was due. Our goal was to get 10,000 program slots, but if two weeks ago, we thought we had no shot…we were wrong. We got 15,000 slots. It was a nightmare to type up all those programs though.

Then, due to poor planning on my part, I hosted a wine and chocolate tasting party Friday evening. Even though we had some road closure issues for people trying to get here it was AWESOME. I pulled out all the wine tasting stops with little spit/pour buckets, pairing lists, and wine biscuits (which my dad sometimes eats like bar snacks). I think it was lots of fun though now I had a lot of wine/chocolate left over so if anyone would like to come help me finish them off let me know. Or if someone would like to do their own tasting, I’d be happy to share my knowledge.

A few people stayed late to chat and holy crap next thing we knew it was midnight and oh shit, Kate and I had a fishing derby program the next morning. Next morning, I wake up at 6, not because I have to, but I just do. I go to the fishing derby place and get there at like 8:15. (The program starts at 9). At around 8:20 a whole troop of girls shows up and is like what do we do? This annoys the hell out of me. Hello? You’re 40 minutes early. You’re going to figure out how to entertain your 11 girls, that’s what you are going to do.

The fishing derby went fine. We had a troop show up that was wait listed, but apparently didn’t know they were wait listed. Only trees, hair and rocks got hooked, no flesh wounds so that was good. They actually caught some fish which is always a plus. I was in charge of craft, since I have no idea how to fish. We made little aquarium shadow boxes (mostly because we had a surplus of shoe boxes that some lady had dropped off at our office). Here’s my example.

Shut up! It’s cute. Kate likes my hypodermic needle fish. And yes, I get paid for things like that. Then I went home and slept for two hours. Woke up. Went to dance. Baked some muffins for this baby shower at church. Watched the draft and had my own wine and chocolate party. Since I had been hostessing, I didn’t have a chance to taste anything the night before and wanted to see how I did for my first time (pretty good, I must admit).

Up for tomorrow is church baby shower thing, party clean up (maybe), volunteer banquet and then Arooga’s with Amanda. It’s so tough being popular!

Happy Earth Day!

I started this last year and know that some people have actually used my tips, so here's 25 more simple ways to help save the Earth.

1) Shop for a cause. Many websites sell eco-friendly products or help contribute to the environment. One of my favorite places to shop is the Greater Good Network because not only can you help purchase rainforest with all your shopping, but if the environment isn't your thing, you can also help contribute to literacy or animal rescue or several other causes.

2) Buy bamboo. Bamboo grows really quickly. Today you can buy everything from pajamas to furniture to bowls made out of it. I have a pair of bamboo socks and they're really soft and nice.

3) Keep the refrigerator door closed! This is one of my pet peeves. At work people open the refrigerator, make themselves a sandwich, then ten minutes later put the mustard or whatever back and finally close the door. Do you know how much energy you just wasted!

4) Choose matches over lighters and cardboard matches over wooden matches. If all the cigarettes smoked every day around the world were lit with cardboard matches instead of wood, 5.5 million trees could be saved.

5) If you use dry cleaning, take your hangers back. Most dry cleaners will reuse or recycle the hangers.

6) Borrow instead of buying. Having a party and don't have enough chairs? Borrow some from a neighbor rather than buying some that you will probably never use again.

7) Use fewer paper napkins. I just bought really cute cloth napkins that I use at home. But you don't have to go that far, just don't grab a whole stack next time you're eating out.

8) Subscribe to your favorite magazines rather than purchasing them at a newsstand. 60% of most magazines at a newsstand aren't sold and are hauled off to the landfill.

9) Get high speed Internet! This save time and ultimately gets your computer turned off that much faster.

10) Put your lunch items in reusable containers rather than plastic bags or foil.

11) Use both sides of the paper. I keep all my fliers, etc. that I get in the mail in a pile so that I have scrap paper available whenever.

12) STOP SMOKING! Not only is it bad for you, all those cigarette butts are bad for the earth.

13) Eat vegetarian every once in a while. I like meat as much as the next person, but every once in a while skip the meat on the salad or in the burrito or whatever. Not only will it be cheaper, but it saves an enormous amount of water. It takes about 2500 gallons of water to make one pound of beef!

14) Skip the plastic stirrer. Pour your sugar and milk in first and then add your coffee. Magic! It stirs itself.

15) While on the note of sugar, use containers of loose sugar rather than individual packets.

16) When faxing stuff at work, avoid using the cover page wherever possible. If they know the fax is coming, do they really need that extra sheet of paper?

17) Buy fresh fruit rather than canned. The canning process is at least 10 times more energy intensive than picking fresh fruit.

18) Use old shopping bags for trash rather than buying trash bags. Your spending money on something that's purpose is to be thrown away, does that seem weird to anyone else?

19) At parties, use actual plates, silverware, and cups rather than disposable. Because honestly, how difficult is it to throw that stuff in the dishwasher.

20) Rechargeable batteries. Nuff said.

21) Burn 100% beeswax or soy candles. They burn cleaner and last longer. Plus the crude oil used to make a 16 ounce paraffin candle contains enough energy to power a 60 watt light bulb for 100 hours.

22) Skip the disposable razors. Not only do they tend to rip your skin to shreds, but they're not eco-friendly. Buy a quality razor with refillable blades.

23) Don't ask for a receipt. Whether getting gas or at an ATM, when it says would you like a receipt, hit no.

24) Visit an eco-friendly website for more tips. One of my favorites is treehugger.

25) Spread the word. Now, I'm not talking about being obnoxious about it, but maybe mention why you bring your own lunch bag to work and where you got it to help others out.

A lot of the tips and facts that I've included I took from The Green Book. A great book that had tips in it that I never even thought about before. Highly recommended. Let me know if you want to borrow it.

Letters From Prison (Edition 2)

As I said, I had a request for another edition of letters from prison from my cousin. I will put my comments again in {}. and I will skip over the boring parts. Though all the random jumping around is not me cutting out parts, that's actually how she is writing though most of it is in response to stuff I wrote her.

"You'll have to tell me what you did for Easter, and did eat lots of ham? I could really use some ham right now {and by ham I mean meth}. Well, I do have a radio, but I can't listen to it now because I'm in the hole {ha...she said she's in the hole} but when I get out May 25th {holy crap, you must've done something really shitty to be thrown in there for that long. Did you shank someone? Please let me believe you shanked someone} I'll be able too."

"Did Danielle ever go to college? {yes, but not a 'real' school..jk danielle} Remember that restaurant that was like all shark meat? {uh, no} I still want to go there really bad and to Captain Franks. I really miss going to NC every year {and too bad you don't know we're going back this summer and you can't go cause you're in jail} I'm gonna do that with my family in the future. Isn't Japan in China? {Oh, I'm sorry, that is incorrect, but we have some lovely parting gifts for you.}"

"So how is Molly and Aubrey doing? {those are our other cousins, just to fill you in} I bet they're getting big {they're like 15 and 13. I like how she says they must be getting big like they're 2 months old}. I can't believe how time is flying {yep, time flies when you're in prison} I still feel like I'm 16 {because I don't have my driver's license yet...side note: she's 21}. I wish I could go back to that age I'd do a lot of things different {well, I'd hope so}. I learned a lot since then {obviously not proper verb tenses}."

"I was thinking maybe I'll have to get {steal} a MP3 player or IPOD so I can just download ALL my music instead of worring {yes, she put worring} about burning CDs! Plus I'm so out of date with all that stuff I'm like gramma haha. I don't even know the differance between a IPOD and a MP3 player? And I really want to get {steal} a Wii when I come home to exercise and play games. {oh so many snide comments. so little space}"

"I was wondering if you have any spare time can ya look up somethings {yes, no space there} for me on the Internet? {not a chance in hell} If you can, here's what I'd like: {wow, a colon!} I'm looking for a school in the surrounding PA States (WV,VA,MD,DE,Ohio,RI or PHG) {good job with the state abbreviations until we got to Ohio and what the hell is PHG} that has photography chorse {I think this is supposed to be course} I can take and campus living? and if they don't have any in them areas then anywhere will be fine! and give me about top 3 schools with name, address, location, how long, how much...{someone's getting a little demanding aren't they?} So I can write to them and ask them to send me there info because you can't have Internet printouts here. And I'd like to go stright there after I get out of jail cause I need to further my education {did the fact that you thought Japan was in China tip you off to that} and I think I'd really enjoy photography and won't have to worry about my felonys getting in the way! {really? you think some photo studio is going to just give you thousand dollar photography equipment...or do you just think you're just going to snap a bunch of random pictures and put together a coffee table book.} Please do this for me, thank you so much! {no} as soon as possible will be great! {as soon as never will be better} Do you have an Internet camera that you can print pictures? I want to get {steal} that camera that Ashton Kucher always advertise's! {good to see those marketing people are earning their money. Though I'm not sure young felons was the niche they were going for} Well, I can't wait to hear back from ya! {ditto}"

I'm Super Paranoid

Wow, it's been a long time since I've blogged. Nothing too exciting has been going on in my life. I was sideswiped by my grandma but that's about it. My mom was in town, so that ate up a bunch of my free time.

Anyway, when my mom was in town she purchased a set of 6 antique sundae glasses to give my grandma for Mother's Day and has entrusted them to the care of her trustworthy and loving daughter....me. I guess my mom doesn't realize what a total klutz I am. I mean I've tripped myself on my own pajamas one night. While I was taking the box of glasses out of my car, where my mom had left them. I picked up the gift bag that she had left on top of it, not realizing that the tape securing the newsprint around the one glass was stuck to the bag. So the glass was briefly dangling in mid air in a nest of newsprint until my heart stopped and I grabbed it.

I'm now paranoid about where to put the box of glasses. If I put it on a table or shelf somewhere, I'm scared I'll knock it off. If I put it in a corner on the floor, I'm scared I'll step on it. Also, I have a wine and chocolate party coming up, so I'll have to find a place for it somewhere slightly out of the way. It will be a miracle if all these glasses make it intact to May.

PS I've received a request to continue my letter's from prison series, so hopefully I'll get that up sometime this week.

Yoga Man

The past two weeks at work, I've been writing part of an Emotional Well-being program. Today I was on the "relaxation" portion. While trying to get inspiration on how to actually explain yoga poses (trust me, Warrior 2 is harder to explain than you think), I came across this yoga guy. I'm assuming this is a yoga guy, though have to admit he looks kinda like my androgynous, theoretically female Sunday yoga instructor.

I found his little demonstrations so amusing that Kate and I spent about 20 minutes watching them (while Kate was avoiding calling the bead store.) The highlight, at least for me, was when we came to "Wind Relieving Pose." I actually said "i've never heard of that pose before." Then I clicked on it and laughed hysterically because I have the maturity of a 10 year old. Make sure you read the description...yes, this is instructions on how to make yourself fart. I don't suggest that you share this with your boyfriend/husband because we all know where that will end, don't we?

Just an Update

That Coach purse that I didn't buy when I was in Lancaster...yeah, I drove to the Hershey outlet today and bought it. And one for Amanda too! So let this be a lesson to all of you boys and girls. If a purse is telling you to buy it (to the extent that you carry it around the store for about 20 minutes) just buy it and save the gas.

Drumroll Please

I would like to make a big announcement. I have decided to accept an AMAZING scholarship package and attend Wake Forest. For those of you that don't know, I have been battling which school to attend for about six months now. I've also been accepted to Duke and Notre Dame, and applied to (but have yet to hear from Northwestern). Wake Forest has made me an offer that I cannot turn down, I just had to do a formal visit to the school to make sure.

This past weekend Wake Forest flew me to Winston-Salem for Scholar's Weekend. It was a great weekend (even though it rained the entire time and Wake lost in the ACC tournament). The amazing weekend started on my flight from Philly to Greensboro. I was making small talk with the guy next to me and as we were about to get off the plane he hands me his business card and tells me that if I would ever need anything or get in trouble that I could call him. How nice!

Then we had a shuttle pick us up and take us to the Graylyn. Great hotel! I checked in and they gave me a packet and little goodie bag with Reese's and bottle water and Goldfish crackers and things like that in it. Especially when the "butler" showed me the room across the hall from my room.

Yes, that says ice cream room. Did I die and go to heaven? Someone did their research! And inside the ice cream room was this:

Yes, that's a freezer full of yummy ice cream treats that were FREE!

That evening there was a reception where we met lots of great people. Then we split up into smaller groups and went to area restaurants. We went to Mozelle's, which had food that was hard to describe. They had thinks like filet and lobster ravioli and I had some crusted tilapia, but then there was also fried chicken, meatloaf, and shrimp and grits on the menu as well. It was all good. Everyone at the table was squirming as we got updates on the Wake Forest game via IPhone.

The next day started with a scavenger hunt. All the teams had three or four people on them, except for mine. We only had two because one of the people was delayed because of flights. But the other guy on my team was a Notre Dame alum too, so of course we were convinced we were going to kick butt...until it took us about a half hour to figure out our first clue. We weren't the last team done though, so I'll take that.

Then we went over to the campus and had a class and lunch at the grad school. I then met the student that I had been paired with for coffee. I don't know who paired me up with her, but we completely clicked and have so much in common that it is ridiculous. After that we headed to the dean's house (who by the way lives on the same street as Maya Angelou) for a game watch and dinner. Originally it was supposed to be a Wake game watch and they had bought us all Wake t-shirts and sweatshirts and stuff, but since Wake lost it turned into an ACC watch (more like a chat while the TV is on watch). They still gave us the shirts in case you were wondering. One of the coolest things for me was when we went out the door the Dean each handed us a little box with our name on it and said "hopefully this will give you some inspiration for the future. You'll understand once you open it." Of course, we were barely back in the van before I had ripped mine open. Inside was a silver business card holder with my monogram engraved on it and inside of that was a Wake Forest business card with our name, prospective e-mail address and class year on it.

So then today I decided that's where I'm going to go. YEAH!!! Gotta love perks!

Excerpts from a Letter from Prison

I opened my mailbox today to discover a letter from my one cousin in prison (I have two cousins in prison...so I have to differentiate.) My snide remarks will be in { }. I'll skip some of the boring parts because it was really long.

"How old are you, I can't remember? {that's always a good way to start off the letter.} You know I'm finally 21 and I didn't even really get to enjoy it! {what? being on the lam from police isn't enjoyable?} Are you dating anyone yet? I'm surprised you didn't get married and have any kids yet! But I do realize that your a career woman and very busy...{sister, you have no idea}. And your not even 30 yet, you have plenty of time!! {because if you didn't know, when you turn 30, your ovaries fall out.} I'm glad that I didn't have any kids yet {that makes two of us} cause I'm not ready. I'm gonna try to wait till I'm married! {I like the exclamation point here for some reason} "

"Well, I'm kinda in a lot of trouble {no shit Sherlock...you won't be able to get your driver's license till like 2013} because I keep doing stupid things. {there's the understatement of the year} but every time I do something I at least learn from that mistake {well hallelujah for that} and I'm pretty much out of mistakes now {somehow, I don't think that's going to be true} so if its God's will this will be my last time in prison! {how is God going to get blamed for this mess?}"

"Whenever I get sentenced I'm gonna be going upstate for a couple of years {do people really go upstate? I thought that was only on TV} and I'd like to keep in contact with you. {I'm so grateful} so our relationship can grow and you can be a positive infulance to me {not really sure what an infulance is, but pretty sure I don't want to be it to her} you are already like a role model to me! {well that worked out real well, didn't it?} and when I come home maybe we can hang out together {I can't stand the anticipation} and go to the movies, out to eat, {smoke some crack, roll a few joints, hold up a liquor store} and all types of fun things like we used to do! I really miss our friendship {yeah, sorry, but when you threatened to beat up my mom, that kinda ended me being nice to you}, our hanging out with you. I don't know about you but I used to have SO much fun with you and Aunt Jan {I had fun with me and Aunt Jan too!} Sometimes I wished Aunt Jan was my mom! {and sometimes I wished for a pony}. "

"How's your friend Danyel doing? {Danyel, how are you doing?} Well I hope everything with you is ok and that your in the best of health. {the best of health? who says that? are we in an episode of the Tudors? yeah, I'm ok, but my neighbor died from the sweat.} Please return my letter, I wrote you last time I was here and you never wrote me back! {didn't get the hint, did you?} I miss you and I love you."

I think I may actually write back this time because this could be ongoing entertainment!

I'm a Lemming

I've finally followed all of you off the cliff (yes, I know that whole lemming thing is just a myth) and joined Facebook. Ugh...Go out and friend me or whatever...but don't expect me to be witty and creative and funny on there. I use that all up here.

Probably Not the Smartest Idea that We've Ever Had

When Amanda 2 and I heard that BSC and John Fred were going to be in Lancaster, we immediately thought "SHOPPING!" because for those of you that don't know. Lancaster has some sweet outlets. This, however, turned out to be not such a good idea. We left my house at around 1pm to start the shopping extravaganza, but by 6:30 (when we were ready to leave for the concert) we were EXHAUSTED. I seriously wanted to go home and go to bed...but we didn't. We went to WaWa for a quick pit stop to pick up the caffeinated beverage of our choice. We were still pretty tired though, but found a wall space on which to prop up our tired bodies. It was a great, great, great, great concert (did I mention great?)

I was also a little concerned that we wouldn't be on the list because I talked to John Fred on Tuesday which was a little earlier in the week than normal. Normally, we play phone/e-mail tag for about three days and I finally talk to him within 24 hours of the concert. This time he answered his phone and threw off the whole schedule. But we were on there, so it was all good.

Next time I'd probably skip the pre-concert shopping trip (keep the trip to Sonic though...yum.) I didn't even buy much (though a wristlet at Coach is still calling me...Amanda is yours calling you too?)

My Night Without Power

Last night at approximately 10:30, my lights blinked twice and then went out completely. As everyone naturally does, I sat there in complete darkness for about a minute to see if this was for real. I guess it was. I made my way to a flashlight and then to the window. I was disheartened to see that across the street (actually more like across the parking lot) there were people in that building (still in my apartment complex I might add) watching TV and otherwise enjoying the blessings of electricity.

I heard some people talking outside, so I went to join the conversation and found the teenage girl that belongs to my weirdo/parking challenged neighbor that lives beside me and the sweet old lady neighbor that lives downstairs from me chatting. The weirdo teenage neighbor was in shorts and a t-shirt and had her front door hanging open (it was bitterly cold out last night). My old lady neighbor turned to me and said "well, Girl Scout, what do we do?" Um...Get a flashlight and some blankets (and not leave your front door hanging open) what do you want me to do? I can build a fire in the middle of the living room and have a singalong, but I don't really suggest that at the moment.

We all went back to our apartments. I read in my bedroom ::gasp:: and had the presence of mind to turn off my light switch and unplug my TV so that they didn't come back on at 3 am or whatever when the power came on. I brushed my teeth and washed my face using my Maglite (my cave tour guide flashlight) stuck upright in a shoe to illuminate the bathroom. I set my cell phone and decided to go to bed, but surprisingly found it difficult to fall asleep. Because I kept thinking things like: what if my cell phone dies and so the alarm won't go off to wake me up? how long will it take to get really cold in her? (that was as I imagined myself getting colder and colder...probably all in my head.) What if the old lady downstairs lights a candle and burns the place down? If I still don't have power tomorrow, where will I shower? Where will I sleep? And I probably shouldn't open the refrigerator so that everything in there stays cold, so what do I have that I can take for lunch tomorrow?

But all my planning was for nothing as around 12:30 AM, my lights came back on.

We Need to Change the Evals

For all of the programs that Kate and I have been doing we have to have the girls fill out evaluations at the end. Even if their in kindergarten. We get some very interesting spellings about what they liked best: coolering (coloring), esperimets (experiments), scits (skits), etc. But there's a question that no matter what age they are we always get interesting answers. It says something about if you could go to the coolest program what would it be. Sometimes we get normal answers like art, camping, hosbuck riding (horseback riding). But other times we get interesting things like skydiving, swimming in mac n cheese, skiing down a waterfall, meeting an alien, camping on the moon and hamster---that's all it said...hamster. While I'm sure these would all be really cool activities (I'd be the first one doing the back stroke in a huge vat of mac n cheese), I'm not sure they're Girl Scout approved.

Psychotic Thought of the Day

I know its been a really long time since I've had one of these. Maybe I've just been too busy lately to be psychotic....or maybe I've been so psychotic that I've lost all ability to think at all.

I was driving on a very twisty road and had to sneeze. Does anyone else fear for their life when they sneeze while driving? I was sure that I would swerve off the road and into a tree or ditch or someone's house (preferably the latter). But I didn't...probably because I was only going about 40 miles per hour. So that leads to my psychotic thought. If you are driving a race car and have to sneeze, are you pretty much screwed? Do you think that leads to some of those random multi-car accidents where for no reason at all one cars just swerves into another car?

"Can you explain what happened out there on the track?"
"Well, Jeb, I was going around the far turn on lap 374 and all the sudden my nose got a twitch and I sneezed and just lost complete control of the car."

Really Really Annoying

The most annoying thing that could possibly happen to a car, has happened to my car. I can't open the driver's door from the inside. I discovered this Thursday afternoon when I tried to get out of my car at the post office. It really confused me too. I'm locking and unlocking the door and checking all the buttons to make sure I hadn't child safety locked myself in or something. Then the next thought was "it's really windy out. Is is so windy that I can't open the door because of the force of the wind?" Uh...no

I get home. Call the garage and ask if I can bring it in. The mechanic guy says "here's the deal" That's not a good sign. He goes onto explain that they're going to rip my whole door apart and if they would need to get a part the car would have to sit there the whole weekend because they can't give it back to me all ripped apart. I'm taking it in Monday.

So until Monday, I either have to crawl out the passenger side, roll down my window and open the door from the outside or take Kate's suggestion and go "Duke's of Hazard" and just keep the window down in jump in from there. Ugh...so annoying.

Possibly My New Favorite Show

So last night after getting home from Ave Q (which is a whole other post in itself) and trying to get the images of puppet sex out of my head, I discovered FLN (the Fine Living Network). Wow, what a little niche they've carved out for themselves. At 11pm, I forget what show said it would be on but it wasn't and on came Whatever, Martha!. Now, if you haven't seen this show, let me explain. It's Martha Stewart's daughter Alexis and Alexis's friend Jennifer basically watching clips of Martha Stewart Living and making snide comments about how ridiculous it is. Sometimes they try to make the little crafty items along with the show and at one point last night Alexis had threatened to stab Jennifer with a bone folder. (Not a tool used to fold bones, but a tool used to fold that is made of bone). Anyway, I realized that if you had filmed Marcia and I in our dorm rooming watching Martha Stewart Living during college this is pretty much the TV show that would've come out of that. Thanks to the modern technology known as You tube. I can share this show with you.



This isn't the actual one a saw last night, but take your pick, they're all funny, so if you have time to peruse You Tube, watch more.

I Really Like Martinis and Fondue

Tonight I went to the Melting Pot for Amanda 1's birthday. (I'm sick of doing Amanda T. and Amanda L., so it's now 1 and 2.) As I was finishing of my 2nd Chocolate Fontini and debating the political correctness of sticking my hand in the pot and licking the melted chocolatey, peanut buttery goodness off, I wondered why I never make fondue or martinis at home. It's not like I lack the equipment. I have two fondue pots, a fondue cookbook, a martini shaker, roughly 8 martini glasses, several cocktail books and a shitload of booze. So with the blogosphere as my witness, I vow to have a martini and fondue party before I move to go to grad school. So if you live in the area (or even if you don't) and would like to be invited, shoot me an e-mail or post a comment.

I Think that I Might...

Want to go to Punxsatawny, PA for Groundhog's Day sometime...is that weird? While driving to the middle of nowhere for work this morning I was listening to the radio (because my CD player in my car is eagerly awaiting my tax refund to be fixed) and they had a live report from Punxsatawny. The reporter described all the guys in top hat that were members of the groundhog's inner circle, and the heated stump the groundhog resides in, and how pissed Phil looked when they pulled him out. Ever since we started exploring the New Year's Eve drops, I am totally into these podunk town events. (Though they reported about 10,000 people there, so I'm not sure how podunk that is.) Anyone want to come with me?

While I'm on the subject of Groundhog's Day, isn't it a little backwards? I mean if the groundhog sees his shadow, that means that its six more weeks of winter...but if there is a shadow, that should mean that the sun is shining which should theoretically mean spring is on its way, shouldn't it? Obviously, I've spent way more time thinking about this than any person should.

NO MORE PB E-MAILS

Have no fear! Your tagalongs and do-si-does are safe. Read the official statement from Little Brownie Bakers here. But if I see one more e-mail regarding peanut butter, I'm going to lose my mind. Not only have we received about 10 e-mails from other staff members regarding the Girl Scout council's stance on cookies containing peanut butter, but after it went out to cookie manager, each of them felt the need to copy me on their e-mails to their troop leaders. Then we received e-mails from the food bank about checking our stock for items with peanut butter in them. Luckily we don't order things with peanut butter because of all the crazy nut allergies out there.

The Giant Gummy Bear

I love gummies: ALL GUMMIES: sour, plain, bears, penguins, watermelons, fried eggs, army guys, whatever. I love them. So when we were in California at a candy store called It's Sugar and saw this:

A GIANT GUMMY BEAR!!! I knew I had to have it. (It's pictured beside a 16.9 fl oz coke just to give you an idea of the size of it.) I was a little concerned about it retaining all the properties of a normal gummy bear while being enlarged, but it did not let me down and is exactly like its smaller bear siblings. The only bad thing about it is that in order to eat it, you kinda have to gnaw on its head (or other body part of your choosing), so disturbingly it ends up like this:
My mom said it had mental problems and was given a lobotomy...she's so weird. But still this one minor issue does little to dent its total AWESOMENESS!