I was flicking channels and did anyone else see the bald woman that made the top ten in the Miss Universe pagent? What is up with that?

The Five Second Rule

I find it necessary to address the five second rule. I believe that there are situations in which the five second rule can not apply. Basically anywhere outside. It a food item should fall on cement, asphalt, a planting bed, etc. It should be immediately disposed of no matter how long it was there.

So, hypothetically, if a hot dog falls off a plate onto grass (no matter how recently that grass has been cut) it can not be placed back on the grill and then onto the plate with the other hot dogs.

Incidentally, I had a roommate that believed the "five second rule" had a factual scientific basis....she was a fine arts major.

Reasons Why I Hate Summer

Today it was hot out, and it reminded me that summer was just around the corner. I started thinking about it, and I really hate summer. It seems odd, but I hate the hot/humid weather and here are some other things that I really hate about summer.

1) Kids are out of school. I can no longer go to the mall during the day and shoe shop in peace. I have to deal with teenagers that think they are the shit.
2) I could care less about Major League Baseball. I like to watch baseball games, but I don't freakin' care how many games back the Yankees are. Being a sports crazy, I need my sports fix and baseball and the WNBA just don't cut it.
3) Tourons (Tourists + morons = tourons). Now when I go to the gym, I have to deal with Joe Schmo from Delaware with his six kids packed into his SUV crossing three lanes on the highway because he realized he's about to miss his exit.
4) Crappy holidays. I have to admit, I'm not a big 4th of July fan. Maybe if there was more candy involved. I'd be happier.
5) (Brutal Honesty Alert). Shaving my legs. I hate shaving my legs. Yes, I shave in the winter (though I know women who don't), but in the winter if you build up a little stubble, it's no big deal. Now that its shorts weather, you have to be all over it.
6) I burn really easily. Put on 50 SPF lotion, wear a hat and still manage to be pink. I don't understand.


I thought of three reasons that I like summer.
1) Deviled eggs: I love deviled eggs. One of the two preparations of eggs that doesn't gross me out (the other being egg salad--- apparently eggs and mayonnaise are yummy). I don't really understand why its unacceptable to have deviled eggs at other times during the year, but it is.
2) Bath and Body works has way better scents than any other time of year. Let's face it the Holiday/Winter Season scents suck compared with the summer scents.
3) Cute sandals.

Things that Annoy Me

I went to the drive thru ATM at my bank yesterday and it was out of money....you're a bank!

Text Messages From Germany

"We made frifnds w/ a half bqitirh and half german courle and they bougt us a shitload of drinks and now im fucling drunk. Hows kit8eos?"

That pretty much says it all. (That last word I believe is supposed to be kitties.)

Correspondence from Germany

I'm enjoying Danielle being in Germany. I get to go play with her kitties. They really like me more than those pictures show. They're just divas and were mad that I didn't get their good sides. I get to drive her car around because mine is in the shop. I'm not even being a bitka (Danielle's drunk translation of bitch) and messing around with it by toying with her little stuffed dauphin (like I normally do when I'm a passenger) or changing all her cds to crappy cds (Inside joke for Danielle: "hi my name is Bob, and I work at my job"). I've confused the old lady downstairs though. She called me and asked if I'd changed teams because Danielle's car has all this Penn State crap all over it.

But my favorite thing about Danielle being in Germany, is that I get psycho e-mails. Below are some excerpts from e-mails that have been edited for length and censored for content. I've gotten two so far, but I'm combining them together.

"the y is where the z is and it freakin pisses me off. Our tomtom is not working so it took us about 3 hours to get to our hotel. I've decided to screw the y and the z and just tzpe normallz. zou should be able to figure it out. anzwazs, the dude in front of us kept getting comp drinks the whole flight and prettz much got blityed out of his mind. I fell asleep onlz to be awoken bz him howling like a dog. and I'm not even joking. He did it twice. oh and in case zou are wondering cologne is like a dirtz new zork if zou can believe that. some random black guz stopped me in the street and shook mz hand and wanted to know where i was stazing, how long i was stazing and he reallz wanted to meet up with me sometime. uh how bout no. there is a fun storz involving a porn and i tzped it up for zou and tried to send it but it didnat work. iam sick of looking for the ' so zou are just going to hafta deal with the a (sidenote, the a she is using actually has two little dots over it, but blogger won't let me do that). long storz short, we have 2 porn channels and mz mom made me watch some of them. gross. random sidenote i find it odd that the radio stations plaz onlz american music. iam sitting here jiving to the radio then all of the sudden the djs start talking and iam like shit iam still in germanz. 6 more dazs. serenitz now!"

Well, Danielle's in Germany till next Monday, so hopefully we'll get more e-mails. We can only hope.

Red Paint Postponement

Tonight I was going to blog about how Danielle is having a miserable time in Germany, but after a red paint explosion at a troop meeting I was at, I really don't feel like it. We were using fabric paint and I didn't really see what happened, but the top of the paint thing was across the room and there was red paint on the ceiling, ceiling fan, table, floor and walls of a church basement. Then to top it off, all the kids decided this meant they could be bad. Thank goodness it was the last meeting. But this was the night that the contact from the church happened to not be there, so now I have to call her tomorrow and explain why there is splatters of red paint on her ceiling. I'm going to go take a bath and a martini. Stay tuned tomorrow for Danielle's misery.

A True Story

Working with Girl Scout leaders, I get to hear a lot of stories about mischievous kids. The one I heard tonight though takes the cake. I was at a leaders' meeting and after it was done, the person in charge said "you are all free to leave, but if you stick around five minutes, I have a hilarious story." I was game, so I stayed.

Her seven year old son had gone along with a five year old friend and the friend's parents to the National Aquarium in Baltimore. About forty-five minutes into the visit, the five year old disappeared. The parents are looking around frantically, thinking he has to be somewhere nearby. They can't find him and finally alert someone at the aquarium. The aquarium people can't find him either and finally call the police. They're working on locking down the aquarium when they see the kid wandering down the hallway. His coat is a little wet, but otherwise he seems fine. The mom of course freaks out and is asking the kid "where the hell were you?" (and this wasn't in the story, but I also imagine her saying "you worried mommy. Don't you ever do that again). The kid never answered where he was, and the whole ride home his friend was trying to talk to him in the backseat, but he remained quiet. When they got home, the mom yelled at him some more and sent him straight to his room. A half hour later, the mom decided she better go up and give him the "do you know what you did?" speech. She opens the door and finds her son on his bed playing with his new baby penguin!

Who do you call when your son steals a penguin? She called the number for the aquarium, but of course it gives her some random Ticketmaster number. After explaining the ridiculous penguin story to several befuddled people on the phone, she finally got a manager that could figure out what to do. The person gave her instructions on how to care for the penguin (unfortunately, there were no details on exactly what those were) and said they would send someone to pick up the penguin in the morning. I would think that they would want to rush out for the penguin right then, but I guess not.

The aquarium seems to be taking a "you don't give us any crap about how your 5 year old got into our penguin enclosure, we won't give you any crap for stealing a penguin."

So Unfair

My dad is at a Killers concert right now. He doesn't even know who the Killers are!

The Cake Pan Has Been Freed

Thanks to the great advice from the Canadian Iron Chef...the cake pan has been freed from underneath my oven.

Disneyland

To set this up, one of big wigs in my dad's company called him for advice on a "project". When my dad called him back, he discovered that the big project was "I need to take my wife, mother in law and niece to Disneyland. What do I do?" Here is the e-mail correspondance that followed the Disneyland visit.

My dad: Forgot to ask you how the trip to Disneyland went.

Big wig: Awesome. Still can't get It's a Small World out of my head.

Dad: That's great! My wife said I should've warned you about that.

Big wig: Yes, you should have. At about Russia, I was about ready to jump out of the boat and swim for it. My favorite part was when the people I was with (seriously) asked if there was a weight limit on the Dumbo the Flying Elephant ride to which I responded "It's Dumbo. Who is he to judge?" which apparently wasn't as funny as I thought it was.

HAHA

Any Ideas??

I have a drawer at the bottom of my oven where I keep cake pans and cookie sheets and stuff. Today a square cake pan fell behind the drawer. Did you ever have a clothes drawer with too many clothes in it and some of the clothes get pushed behind the drawer? That's kinda what happened. The drawer closes the whole way, but the pan is stuck under it. It's too big to slide out from the front and the drawer doesn't pull out the whole way, so I can't reach behind it. Any suggestions?

Three Posts in One

I have three things I want to blog about, so instead of putting them in three short blogs all on the same day, I'm going to post them in one blog.

1) What's so great about a parachute? Not the type you jump out of an airplane with...I know what's great about that, but the multi-colored piece of nylon that everyone played with in gym in elementary school. Wasn't that great when you were in elementary school? Yeah, it's parachute day. Well, now, as an adult sometimes I take the paparchutes to programs. AND I HATE IT!! The parachute is basically what you take to the program when your out of ideas or are too lazy to think of another activity. But the kids end up in this crazy frenzy, trying to wrap themselves up in it or fighting over the handles or popping balls up onto rooftops. Not to mention how tired your arms get. Why is the parachute not great anymore?

2) My new law. I'm thinking of passing a new law that says that if a person is parked like a moron then you can ram them with your car and they have to pay for the damage. How else are they going to learn not to park like an idiot. This thought came to me when I was at the gym. There is a parking space with a lightpost with a big cement bottom in it, so normally nobody parks in it. But today some jackass decided to try to cram his car in it. News flash if the backseat is sticking out past the car beside you, your car is out too far.

3) My little adventure. Today I went to the grocery store in Hershey. I was at the gym and decided it wouldn't be that much further than the Union Deposit one near my apartment, so off I went. A little explanation first. Hershey is where all the rich people live. And even though I have a Giant store and they have a Giant store. Theirs is soooo much better than mine. First of all I didn't feel like I needed to disinfect the cart before using it (not to mention that there were carts, the Union Deposit Giant store never brings their carts in from the little corrals). Second, there weren't Kool-aid mustached kids running wild. Third, the food. They had stuffed grape leaves on their salad bar, a whole deli case devoted to exotic cheeses and starfruit. At Union Deposit, I'm lucky if they have broccoli on their salad bar. I felt like someone was going to come over to me and throw me out "You live in Harrisburg. They built a Giant for your type of people." I loved it. Next time I'm going to use the scan as I shop guns, but they scare me.

Recycling 101

It's come to my attention recently that a few of my friends really have no idea how to recycle. Specifically what "those little numbers on plastic bottles" are. So in honor of Earth Day (I'm only a week late), I thought that I'd inform you.

In certain areas, you can only recycle certain number for curbside pick up. Like where I live, you can only recycle 1's & 2's, but out in Indiana where my parents live you can recycle anything but 5's. So you need to look at the numbers and find out what your area recycles before you just go throwing junk in your plastic bin. If the old person that throws aerosol cans away in our recycling bin is reading this, you can't recycle those either.

The Comment Card

Today Amanda L. and I went to lunch at Applebee's. We found on a table a comment card.

The comment card was completely what you would expect from any restaurant's comment card. Did you enjoy your food? Was the staff friendly and helpful? Etc. Except for the box where it says, "if you do not know your waiter's name, please draw a picture of them. Be kind." Are you kidding? So here is our waiter.

If you see him at Applebee's, he's really good.

My Brilliant Plan

So at work our "team leader" (again not really a leader, not really a team) got promoted to be our manager. That is a total joke! I know I'm going to be in her office every hour explaining how to use excel and e-mail and possibly the phone. Ugh...but I have a brilliant plan. See when her supervisor realizes she is a complete moron, they will fire her (or pile on so much work that she gets overwhelmed and quits). At which point they will be looking for someone to take her place....oh gee, where will we ever find a competent person who has an outstanding college degree and showers on a regular basis and wears normal looking clothes (unlike our team leader now)....well, jsto has all those things...yes, I do. So then they will promote me and I will look like a goddess (because I am) as I fix up everything she screwed up. Not unlike Charlie Weis cleaning up after the Willingham debacle. Brilliant!!

The Spa

Today I went to the Hershey Spa. I got a massage which I LOVE. I am so agreeable after a massage that you could pretty much ask me anything and I'd be ok with it. A black market organ broker could come in and slice out a kidney and I think I'd not put up much of a fight. I think I'd say "forget about the bathtub full of ice. I'm fine here. Can you pass me a hand full of Hershey kisses and a bottle of water?" I had good intentions to go to aquacise after my spa visit. I had even brought other gym clothes in case I was too late for aquacise, but instead I fell asleep in the "quiet room" for what I estimate to be about a half an hour. Until some people started talking....hello? it's called the quiet room for a reason. Do you not see the "please refrain from talking" signs sitting on every table?

The only thing better than a massage was using the $100 gift card that I won for my massage. A couple of weeks ago my coworker Amanda and I had to go to this Business Woman's forum. I didn't have a ticket to go to the luncheon, so instead Amanda and I walked around to the booths stealing all their free giveaways and dropping our business cards into random raffles. It was great because you didn't have to listen to someone blah blah blah about their bank's low interest rates. Those people were all at the luncheon, so we could just go and take all the good stuff that we really want. (I also got a free round of golf). Apparently, I entered something at one of the stands for a bank for $100 Hershey gift card. It was sitting on my desk when I returned from vacation last week. Boo-yah!

Betsy Ross

Last night I went to this dinner where the entertainment was a woman who told about Betsy Ross. Not only did she tell about Betsy Ross and dress in red, white, and blue, but her name was actual Betsy Ross...I would kill myself if my name was Betsy Ross. Educational fact of the day: Betsy Ross was only 24 when she sewed the American flag (makes me feel like even more of a slacker) and the Continental Congress wanted six pointed stars on the flag (which would just look queer), but Betsy convinced them that five pointed stars would be better.

Psychotic Thought of the Day

Ok, so just a warning. I thought of this last night at 2am when I couldn't sleep and was deliriously tired. I wrote it down, so that I'd remember it. When I got up I read it and thought this is way too psychotic to even post, but against my better judgement I'm going to.

Here is my psychotic thought from last night:
If I married a guy whose last name is Green and we have a kid named Soylent and he runs for public office his campaign slogan can be "Soylent Green is people."

Seriously, who thinks of stuff like this?

The Mythical White Bracelet

Some of you may have doubted that it existed, but I'm here to tell you that it does. I've worn it. This mythical bracelet grants access to its wearer to all areas of the College Football Hall of Fame. Apparently since I've left, the Hall of Fame has become more concerned with random people wandering around the museum and offices (wow, think back to the days when the back door was left open and random people would just wander over from the convention center). Now everyone is required to wear a bracelet. Even me.

I had to wear a bracelet in case I was "challenged" while I was there. Who could dare challenge me? Possibly some unknowing volunteer or intern. And here is exactly what I would say to anyone who would think of challenging me.

"Do you know who I am? I am JSto" (Sidenote: the Hall of Fame is where I gained that nickname.) "Go look in the office at the Intern Hall of Fame plaque under Marketing Intern Summer 2002. There I am. I have put out more programs than you have ever seen, sold more mulligans than you could even imagine, and broken more melons for Stay In Bounds than you will eat in a lifetime. Where were you when Sonny Franck decided to recount his college football career game by game for 40 minutes at the Enshrinement press conference? I was there. Where were you when our cashier quit an hour before her shift on USC weekend Friday? I was running tickets. Where were you when the golf outing ran an hour and a half over so that no Hall of Famers were at the reunion autograph session? I was battling off autograph seeking crazies. Where were you when it poured for the inaugural Enshrinement parade? I was soaked and gathering Hall of Famers under the overhang of a liquor store. Where were you when the wrong patches were put on the Hall of Fame blazers? I was in the back of JC Penney's with a seam ripper. So how dare you even think you have any authority over me. Now go back to wandering around talking to yourself and leave me alone."

Luckily I didn't have to do that. The bracelet also wasn't put on very tightly, so I was able to slide it off without even stretching it. So I'm renting it out for $5 a day. (Which is a savings of $6 off of admission.)