Jokes from the Kids

So the plan had been to post day two of vacation (which will be entitled the House of Global Warming), but I didn't get home from the gym until 10pm, and I know that will be a long post with pictures and links and bells and whistles, and I just don't have time for that before my bed looks more inviting than blogging. But I had another subject that I wanted to blog about that would be shorter (I know...you're totally going to be on blog overload...hope you're not on vacation right now...you'll have hours worth of blog to catch up on).

Today at one of my programs the girls finished their project about 10 minutes early and asked if they could stay to finish their multi-cultural (aka multi-color) goldfish crackers. Of course I said yes. They began to tell jokes. Now I realize that little kids don't really understand jokes and basically say nonsense and think it's funny, but I thought a 3rd grader and a 5th grader would understand. Here's some of their jokes. You be the judge.

What did the big carrot say to the little carrot? Hey, it smells like carrots in here. (well, I guess it would.)

Why did the chicken cross the road? To save his boss that was about to get hit by a car. (Kate had a good point. Who would save their boss? And is a chicken's boss the rooster or a hen?)

What did one two three say to four five six? seven eight nine ten (you're just basically counting here, aren't you)

Why did the kid cross the playground? Because he wanted to go on the swings. (Joke or fact?)

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cookie
Cookie who?
I want to eat you (what kinda man eating cookie is this?)

(And my personal favorite)
Why was the little girl crying? Because someone just bust her teeth in. (I guess I would be crying too if someone just bust my teeth in, and was a little disturbed that they both of course thought this was hysterical.)

OBX Day 1: Let the Torture Begin

So we did not leave a 3am as my mother had hoped, but my dad refused to do. (We had heard that we should not arrive in the middle of the day because of lots of traffic going to the Outer Banks). Instead we left around 8 am and planned to stop in Richmond, VA for some sightseeing. Seems like a pretty reasonable thought to me. The car was packed to the gills with useless crap (aka beach chairs which we ended up throwing out once we got there and food such as hot dogs which I'm not really sure why they couldn't be purchased there). Either way, I was still slightly pissed because I was told not to "bring a big suitcase" and then all this other shit got packed up. Oh well.

We drove and drove and drove and I read some magazines, tried to sleep (since I had gone to bed at like 2am the night before...did I mention I made a run to Wendy's after my dance recital?) and watched an episode of Murder She Wrote on the portable DVD player that I had refused to let my cousins use.

We arrived in Richmond at the Science Museum of Virginia. It was pretty neat. We saw a movie on coral reefs in the IMAX dome thingy. The part I liked best of the museum was the area on brain teasers. I liked it because it reinforced how smart I am. My dad would be staring at something forever while my mom and I were doing other things. I'd come over and he'd say something like "It can't be done." I'd look at it for about ten seconds and then solve the puzzle. "Oh." The other funny thing that happened there was they had that traffic jam game where you have to move cars around into a certain pattern, but they were big cars that you could sit in and roll around. I turn around and my mom and dad are sitting in cars rolling them around. I swear the three of us are really all 10 year olds.

After the museum we went to the Village Cafe, which we found because it was on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. My dad LOVES that show. In fact, he loves a lot of shows on the Food Network which is weird since he thinks "making breakfast" is pouring pre-made batter onto a waffle iron. The food was really good. Though I thought a fist fight was going to break out between my mom and gramma over the chocolate peanut butter milkshake (highly recommend). Also, the drinks came in individual pitchers with a straw in it. That's a lot of Diet Coke!

We headed on our way to the Outer Banks and played lots of fun car games like how many state license plates can we see and the ABC game which gets crazy when people just start making up random things (aka Quince Pie as a dessert and "you know that basketball player named Xavier" for athlete).

We arrived at the pink house (picture to be in future blog) at around 7:30. Were greeted by a bevvy of teenagers who had just come from the beach and unpacked the car. It was the 4th of July, so of course there were going to be fireworks. My cousin Patrick (who is 16...I think) went down to the beach first. Then Petey and Savon (13 and 9-ish?) started off to the beach. My aunt Linda yelled at them to come back. They looked at her and then ignored it and continued. "Oh well, Patrick's down there to watch them" Then I headed down with Molly (15), Aubrey (13) and Sierra (9ish). By this time it was pretty dark out, so you could really only see people's clothes. No Patrick (he apparently went for a walk which is perfectly ok) and Petey and Savon are running in between the ocean (which they aren't supposed to be in) and a random sketchy guy setting off illegal fireworks on the beach (though sometimes they didn't really "set off" at all and just exploded on the spot). Next thing I know more kids are coming onto the beach from our house and soon all 12 of them are down there with me (the responsible adult). By this time it is totally dark. Sandi (13) and Molly spend about a half hour discussing whether they have a cell phone signal and a beach football game breaks out. Soon all the kids (and some other kids that are strangers we found on the beach and in no way related to me) are playing. This of course ends in crying, arguing, and general disarray so at around 10:10 I break it up and we all head back to the house. I then explain adult/kid ratios and how I don't mind being responsible for 3 girls, but when more come (including boys who have ADD and generally don't follow any sort of direction) I have issues with that.

Oh and I also discovered this day that I was not only sharing a room with my grandma, but in fact a bed (king size at least). "I thought we told you that" Uh...no...you didn't. We did have the coolest room in the house which was a plus.

Stay Tuned for Day 2: JSto's school of boogie boarding

My Semi-Charmed Life

So the plan was for me to blog more about my vacation tonight, but sometimes things happen that are sooo ridiculous/awesome that they must be blogged about immediately and that's what happened today. Kate says that I live a semi-charmed life and lately I think that I'm beginning to agree with her.

This morning I ran into the ghetto grocery store by my office to grab something to take for lunch. Below is the conversation between myself and an old lady with a cart full of cat food that stopped me in an aisle.

Old Lady: Cute shoes!
Me: Thanks.

Old Lady: Wear them while you can because when you get to be old like me you can't wear cute shoes because you're knees hurt and feet hurt and everything hurts.

Me: I will.

OL: They are sooo cute. They make you taller too.

Me: Yep

OL: Are they comfortable?

Me: Yep

OL: Well, I just wanted to tell you how cute they were.

Me: Thanks (I start to walk away)

OL: Wait! I want to give you a reward for having such cute shoes! (I walk back over to her and she's digging in her purse. I'm thinking 'am I going to get a quarter or what?' The woman pulls out a bag of candy and hands me three pieces.)

OL: Here you go.

Me: Thanks. Are these rootbeer barrels?

OL: Yep

Me: I love rootbeer barrels (i do love rootbeer barrels, so make a note.)

OL: They call me the candy lady of Harrisburg. I give candy to everyone.

Me: Thanks.

I know you are probably dying to know what shoes I had on by now, so here they are.

You know what makes them cuter? I got them for $20 on clearance. I was a little sketched out about getting candy from a stranger and thought they might be laced with LSD. (Kate thought they probably had razor blades in the middle of them.) But I had one after lunch (because I live life on the edge) and it seemed to be ok, so I guess not. Stay posted tomorrow for actual vacation posting.

PS I handed in my two weeks notice today. Fun Fun

Let the Ridiculous Blogging Begin

Well, I'm back. Thank God! Thanks, Kate, for the insightful blogs...gotta love non-emotional apology letters. As long as I don't lose steam, there should be lots of great blogs coming. Between my dance recital and the week long vacation with my family (and did i mention I'm handing in my two weeks notice on Monday?) I have lots of material. So I'm going to start with my dance recital with Sharon's which was last Friday (July 3rd) and move chronologically from there.

First let me explain the picture, that is my pirate hat and sword...yes, pirate hat and sword. I was in three dances this year: adult tap, teen tap and teen ballet (I realize I'm not a teen, but was invited to participate in the teen dances because I rock that much!). All of them seemed to have theme. Adult tap = James Bond, Teen Tap = pirates (complete with swords, boots and hat) and teen ballet = Alice in Wonderland, cards. I was very excited about the whole thing. I had a lot of friends and family coming, which I'm not sure I would do again because the family kinda seemed put out by the whole thing afterwards. I did well, I only screwed up one part which wasn't noticeable to anyone but one girl (who also happens to be my pirate sword-fighting partner and tends to take the sword fighting too seriously and tries to kill me.) The whole evening seemed to be characterized by near disasters and total cuteness.

Let's start with the near disasters. Not only was I in three dances (and of course the finale), but I was also on the stage crew. Along with one other adult, I was in charge of stage right, so I had to radio over to the production manager to let her know whether the kids that were coming on stage right were in position or not. This allowed me to be privy to a whole bunch of near disasters that ended up working out.

Disasters:

1) MAJOR DISASTER...the show was supposed to start at 7. At around 6:45 pm, suddenly people are running around asking if anyone has their show CD. Apparently, the laptop that had all the music on it froze and there was no sound. Somehow everything was transferred onto another laptop and the show started about five minutes late...close call.

2) During the Alice in Wonderland ballet, I had to help with the set changes especially since during dress rehearsal the people in charge of set didn't show up. Well there was supposed to be some fake grass and there was tape marking where it was supposed to go. The girl placing the grass couldn't see the tape when the lights were out kinda wandered around the stage staring at the floor trying to figure where exactly it went. I had to go out on stage tell her it was fine where it was and plop down a couple of large mushrooms to get her to move. (ugh...high school kids)

3) Also during the A in W ballet, the "Queen of Hearts" wore a corset that laced up the back and at one point got her scepter caught in the laces. I don't think the audience could tell, but because I was behind her saw her tugging at it to get loose. I thought for sure she was going to pull the laces open and the whole thing would fall off. Well, she got it out and everything was fine.

4) Also during ballet, the "White Rabbit" was off stage telling me and one other girl about who was going to be holding our props for another part. There was some disagreement and the white rabbit missed her cue to run on, drink a cup of tea and run off until a teacher pushed her on the stage which actually worked better which then made her look genuinely late.

5) One of my fellow adult tappers escorted a preschool class back to their dressing room following their dance. She got back there only to find the room mothers missing. So of course she had to stay there until they returned. She got back to the stage, while the number before our adult tap number was onstage. She was not in costume, so one other girl and myself basically dressed her on the side of the stage.

Now for some cuteness:

All of these basically have to do with the 2-5 year olds. Because really, nothing I do could be described as cute.

1) Before the show everyone gathers on stage for last minute instructions, pre-show prayer and to get a flower. One of the little 3 year olds raises her hand and says "I'm not wearing any underwear" The girl beside her answers "That's good because we're not supposed to!"

2) During tap, a girl flicks her tap shoe off. Walks over, picks it up, and walks off the stage. Someone off the stage frantically gets it back on her foot and ties it and the girl walks back on stage and continues the dance.

3) Everyone walked on stage for the dance during a black out (there was no curtain up, curtain down stuff). The preschoolers are standing there on stage during a black out (I think waiting for their leader) and I hear a little voice yell "ok, we're all here! You can start now!" I don't think the audience heard though because no one but those back stage actually laughed.

4) The preschool kids were supposed to be flowers for the Alice in Wonderland Ballet. They were supposed to start off curled up in a ball and then Alice comes by with a watering can and they grow into flowers. Well during rehearsal they kinda refused to grow and in fact one girl never did grow until Sharon came buy and picked her up. During the show, the issue was getting them down into seeds. They were all just standing one stage and myself (in my bright red card costume) and the Cheshire cat girl are standing off stage right forcefully whispering "be seeds! Be seeds!" and curling in a ball on the floor. They eventually got the hint just as Alice came out to start watering.

5) After their flower dance, they are supposed to "sprinkle" Alice and Alice falls asleep. (ala Wizard of Oz, Dorothy and poppies). Well, as soon as Alice was asleep the "flowers" were down on their knees peeking in her face to see if she was awake and had to be pulled off the stage.

Ahh...memories.

I know that one of the things that Jen enjoys posting about is the ridiculous things that happen at work. To that end, I thought I would share some recent apology letters that I received. Apology letters have to be one of my favorite occurrences. They mean that a teacher or teachers, usually at a program that doesn't have a lot of control over its students and where the kids constantly disrespect and challenge any form of authority, has felt so badly about the way that the kids act during a program that they actually make them site down and write apology letters. The most common form is a form apology letter- one that is written by the teacher in a fit of "why are my children uncontrollable" remorse, dictated and copied down by children of varying ages. The apology letters that I received this past Tuesday are of an even more enjoyable version. That's right--entirely created by the mind of 13 year old girls!

(1)
Dear.
Ms. Kate sorry for acting up during the time you were in my class for the girl scouts I was having a very bad day so Im wondering will you please except my apology in if you do thank you N if you don't sorry you feel dat way.
{This first one is actually the best one. Ironically, it's from a girl that I had in my outreach groups long before summer outreach--formerly in a youth detention center group! The letter speaks for itself}

(2)
Dear Miss Kate,
I am sorry about our class in Girl Scouts. I hope you do come back and I will try to listen and be respectful next time.
{After reading the rest of the letters I'm sure that you will, as I did, conclude that this girl is most likely to have a future in bright, polite society. Probably accounts for why she was the least badly behaved of the badly behaved girls?}

(3)
I am so sorry Love ya (unintelligible scribble)
{Why thank you girl whose name I cannot read. The fact that you took the time to write five words so gigantic and diagonally across a piece of lined paper really warms my heart.}

(4)
To: Miss K
I'm sorry if you think I disrespected you I promise it won't happen again Come back
{Wait a second, I'm not even sure if this one is really an apology... but the lack of punctuation is, again, heartwarming.}

(5)
I am sorry for whatever I did me personaly dont think think I did anything wrong but if you the I disrespected you in any way I apologize.
{So this letter has poor spelling, no punctuation, inattention to word use or word order and is AGAIN not really an apology. I don't even know how to explain the fact that she is missing words not once but twice. I can't even pretend that this letter warmed my heart. I know she's not sorry--she was so convinced of her innocence that she chased me out of the building trying to bargain for the candy I promised them if they behaved. The blatantly unapologetic tone of the letter also begs another question. Did the teachers not read the apologies before they stapled them together and put my name on, or was this the best they could get out of her?}

The inanity! Oh, the inanity!

Sorry it's taken me a little while to get going- I was on vacation last weekend and had to properly recover. I'll try not to bore you too much while Jen's away. I say this, not to be self deprecating, but because I'm generally not super exciting and insightful. In fact, one of my best talents is words (told you I'm not exciting). In fact, I usually post an almost weekly word of the week around the office. Of course this goes only to people who are appropriately cool enough not to fire me for being sarcastic in relation to current events. So this week I'm sharing with you.


Inanity, noun-(ih-nan-nit-tee)
1. silliness; lacking in significance
2. shallow or superficial

Example: Originally this post was going to be about my brilliant new analogy (that's right, analogy. similes use connecting words) for boys. I've decided, through careful observation and brilliant deduction, that boys are like hills. They are not like ogres- they do not resemble onions or anything like a parfait. They have one layer (yes, I am aware that hills have strata, but vocab is cool enough, I refuse to discuss geology). One layer- but the layer has different depths. Now, being educated, I am aware that this is a vast oversimplification and is also ambiguously either insulting or complimentary. So I thought that I should come up with something equally ambiguous as an analogy for girls. Why piss off only half of the population? Girls are like labyrinths. You can try to figure them out, but even if you figure it out, you just end up in the center with a minotaur (a ferocious Grecian, mythological creature that was half man and half bull). Really, there's just no winning. I tried to discuss this analogy with my former roommate, only to find that we were at complete impasse when she insisted that girls are not like labyrinths, which only have one solution and it never changes. Girls are like mazes- mazes having several solutions- more confusing. We had a twenty minute conversation about the nuanced meanings of labyrinths versus mazes. Let's just stop and consider that for a minute.

And there you have it. I have, all at once, proven that I may be "brilliant" ( I suspect Jen may have been exaggerating), but I am NOT exciting AND given you a real world-ish example of the perfect time to use the word inanity.

(Other forms are inane, inaneness and inanely and the plural is inanities.)

It's the Thought that Counts

Well, I've managed to find time between packing for the Outer Banks and getting ready for my big dance recital tonight to blog. Kate (my brilliant coworker) has agreed to be a guest blogger while I'm away (we haven't had one of those for a while!).

On to the subject of this blog. This week during summer outreach our theme was "Considerate and Caring" so along with various other activities the girls were making cards for Caitlin's Smiles, a great organization here in Harrisburg that puts together "Bags of Smiles" for kids in hospitals. They recommend that we not put "Get well soon" on the cards because well, we don't really know if that is a possibility for these children. We passed on that recommendations to the girls, and I didn't get any Get Well cards, but here's ones they did turn in to me. My comments are of course in parenthesis.

"I hope you fill beter" (awww...cute little kid misspelling)
"Hal you donen. I wut be yor fid" (My kid translation may be a little off, but I think this says how you doin? I want to be your friend.)
"Smile. Don't be sad you will be ok. I hop you fell better."
"All the tuff you can do if you are in a wheelchair" (there were then little boxes drawn where I can only assume she intended to draw all the stuff you can do in a wheelchair, but got bored and didn't finish. I really wish there had been pictures!)
"HA I was think u" (well, the HA seems slightly inappropriate)
"Thinking bout u! I know u r in the hospital but smile, be happy cause I was well. I am thinking bout u." (selfish, isn't she?)
"Be Happy. Well is good."
"You rock. Jump, smile, be happy." (Nice sentiment, but I'm not sure we want to encourage all these sick children to be jumping)
"Fight your hardest to keep your life alive." (for some reason this depresses me).

Well, that's all. All the rest Kate and I approved for hospital kid usage. Though some of them had very creative spelling/pictures which made them almost as funny. See you all when I get back from vaykay.