Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I Disowned some Friends from My IPOD

Recently I've put a bunch of new songs on my computer and thought it was about time to cycle them onto my IPOD. Some of them were songs that I already knew I liked and some were ones that I just thought I would come to like, but felt I should give them a chance. That of course meant I had to make space for them on my IPOD. ::sigh::

Maybe I'm just too sentimental, but every time I delete songs from my IPOD I get the same feeling that I do when I cross someone out in my address book (not that I do that a lot because believe me I need all the friends I can get). I'll give you some examples of songs I deleted so that you can see what I mean.

1) Dixie Chicks "Goodbye Earl" -- This song is like a crazy Uncle Larry (not that I have an Uncle Larry or any crazy uncles). You really like him and he's fun to be around, but there's just something that's not right about him. I mean this song is about killing someone after all.

2) Lionel Ritchie "Ballerina Girl" -- For some reason this song really reminds me of being a little girl with my dad. I'm not really sure why. But this song is kinda like that friend from kindergarten that you still kinda stay in touch with, but now you're completely different and utterly incompatible people. Though its still hard to let go because she was totally like your best friend when you were five and you have great memories of playing Barbies together.

3) Tom Waits "The Piano Has Been Drinking" --This song is like that cousin that you have in prison (trust me, I speak from experience). While you find her really funny, and close friends find her amusing, you're a little embarrassed when random people find out about her.

4) REM "Everybody Hurts" --This is the friend that is always upset or depressed about something. You keep her around though because sometimes it's good to have someone around more pathetic than yourself. Sorry REM, I'm getting rid of negativity, so you have to go.

5) Baha Men "Who Let the Dogs Out" -- This is the friend that still likes to go out and party every night till 2am. Yes, that was fun about 5 years ago (or more), but I'm a grown up now with grown up things to do (like a job), so sorry, but you have to go.

Maybe I'm just more attached to my songs then most people. But it was a really emotional ordeal. I felt like I had to apologize to the song for deleting it, and had to keep repeating "I can always add it back later. I can always add it back later."

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Crazy, Crazy Week

Holy crap! Where did the week go? I feel like I need to pull out my planner to recap. My mom has been in town (hence the lack of bloggage)....so hmm...what's happened.

1) Last week I dealt with just absolutely ridiculous people at work. I can deal with serious problems (stealing money, yelling at children, etc.), but ridiculous stuff makes me want to lose my mind. Like the leader that thinks her girls were singled out because they were told to remove their bandannas at a flag ceremony and told to stop climbing on a tree...sigh (crazy people make life interesting. crazy people make life interesting) Since then Kate and I have decided to make a crazy themed play list...feel free to make recommendations.

2) I went to Winston-Salem with my mom. We saw my apartment which is SMALL and won't have space for my kitchen table, but does have a jacuzzi tub in the bedroom...which is good? I freaked out slightly but luckily my mom was there to calm me down. It was ridiculous hot. We had a record letterboxing day with 15 finds in one day (and that was all before 2pm) and we saw a turtle (and I took a picture). Absolutely no flight problems which was incredible.

3) My cousins got sent home from Milton Hershey because of swine flu. Because that makes sense (she sarcastically blogged). Let's send thousands of kids that may have been exposed to swine flu back all over the country to go home.

4) I'm getting more nervous about my dance recital which is about 2 weeks away, but I'm still missing two costumes and a significant portion of the pirate tap routine...yes, I said pirate tap (we even have chereographed sword fighting which my partner is taking way too seriously). I'm more nervous because I got my ballet costume last week and it was like two sizes to big, so I can't wait to see what the other two are like!

5) I made a ridiculously good Gooey Butter Cake (a la Paula Deen). I added crushed pineapple to the topping. Yum. I want to go eat some right now. (What's with me using the word ridiculous with me all the time?)
6) Mom went home. I'll see her in two weeks when we head of to North Carolina for a week of hell with my entire family.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Who Knew Diseases Were So Lovable?

First, I would like to apologize in case this turns out to be incoherent, babbling dribble (not that my normal posts aren't incoherent, babbling dribble), but I am ridiculous tired from a 24 hour stint for work at Camp Small Valley (aka the caterpillar poo rainforest).

Like a week and a half ago, we were forced to take "Outdoor Training." well, except for the lame people who are worthless anyway and somehow managed to get out of it. The trainer (actually they are now called Adult Learning Facilitators) started talking about ticks and pulled out a fuzzy rendition of Lyme Disease which was then followed by Giardia. I just had to check out what other stuffed animal diseases were available.

Here is my top 10 wish list of fuzzy microbes. I also love that you can order these in a set that come in a cardboard petri dish. (Now I know that most of the times, the links I have connected to this blog are useless information, but you MUST click on these links. They are imperative to the blog content.)

10) Toxic Mold: Because it looks like a really pissed off elephant
9) Sea Sparkle: It looks high and because the description says "light up your life" I'm wondering if they did that on purpose.
8) Chicken Pox: Didn't think a virus could actually look like a chicken, did you?
7) Sperm Cell: a) it has a blue bow on it. b) it uses the words "little man's man" and c) it's a stuffed sperm!
6) Chlamydia: looks like a pissed off lesbian and the description says "playing doctor is a game you don't want to lose" ha
5) Mad Cow: I'm really a fan of diseases that they made look like animals. And could the description be any cornier?
4) MRSA:They actually put a cape on it! Because it's a "super bug"...get it?
3) Fat Cell: Could fat be any cuter? No! Plus it has a little animation at the bottom that bounces around.
2) "Kissing Disease" aka Mono: what a little slut this virus is! Just look at the animation.
1) Flesh Eating: This looked a little boring at first, but then I read the ridiculous description and then noticed it had a little knife and fork embroidered on it and that's why it got my top spot.

I wish more of my friends had small children so I could by these for their birthdays and creep the parents out.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Happy Help a Turtle Across the Road Month

So in case you've ever heard of those really crazy holidays (aka National Popcorn Day) and wondered if people just make them up, the answer is yes, yes they do. My good friends over at S-C sent me this and request that I blog about it. So I will. Blogging on demand...don't ever say I wasn't a blogger for the people. My comments will be in {} since there are already parenthesis in the e-mail. I will also have some other enjoyable comments following the e-mail.

"June is National Help a Turtle Across the Road Month {you couldn't come up with something a little catchier than that? Like just off the top of my head I'm thinking "Shell Out Some Help Month" Get it? Shell? Cause turtles live in a shell?} (actually I just made that up) {see, I told you people just make that shit up} But every June you will see Turtles on the move {why is turtles capitalized? Is Turtle a person and I'm just misunderstanding this whole thing? Wasn't the one character on Saved By the Bell, Lisa Turtle? Reread this just thinking of Turtles as her family...it makes it funnier} – following their primal reptilian instinct…{to be slimy?}* (*See JB if you need to know more about this){I don't know who JB is or why he knows about turtle sex, but I don't think that I want to know} I helped my first sex-crazed, shelled friend across Furnace Road this morning. {do you want a cookie?} Want to keep the ‘Turtle’ in Turtle Creek?{this may be funnier for ND people because Turtle Creek was the off campus housing known for such wild drunk fests as 'Rally in the Alley,' 'Kegs and Eggs,' and of course, 'Beer Olympics', so of course we want to keep the turtle in Turtle Creek} And in the Susquehanna River, Penns, Buffalo and Middle Creeks? {I don't know where those places are, but I guess turtles are good and should be in them} Keep an eye out and give them a lift to the other side when you can."{how fast is this guy driving that he's seeing turtles on the side of the road? I've ridden numerous times with my mom who goes 5 miles under the speed limit because "It's the speed LIMIT, Jennifer." and have yet to spot a turtle.}

Ok, so this e-mail made me curious as to the other stupid holidays that people probably in all likelihood just made up. According to the internet, here are a few of my favorites.

First, I of course looked up my birthday, December 30th and discovered that I had two holidays. "Festival Of Enormous Changes At The Last Minute and
National Bicarbonate Of Soda Day" I would have to say that these are the two things least like me. a) I hate changes at the last minute and b) bicarbonate of soda is just stupid.

January 9th: Play God Day--ok, I know that God has a lot of holidays, but I'm not sure that means you should take one in his place. I mean she is God after all. Yes, I referred to God with a feminine pronoun...want to argue about it?

January 18th: Winnie the Pooh Day--I HATE Winnie the Pooh. Why does an obese homosexual bear deserve his own day? If any character should have their own day from that show, it should be Eeyore. Eeyore put up with everyone else's crap and never got jack shit.

January 22nd: National Answer Your Cat's Question Day--what? Can someone with cat's please explain this? unless "cat" is meant in the blues club sense of "cat" in which case it makes sense, but is just stupid.

February is National Return Carts to the Supermarket Month -- so pull out that cart you've been hiding in the closet and get it back to the store!

March 22nd: National Goof Off Day--you need an official day for that? I thought it was just called Friday.

April 23rd: World Laboratory Animal Day -- man, that's more depressing than Valentine's Day

May: Fungal Infection Awareness Month --I'm just thinking about the missed opportunity for Hallmark.

May 11th: Eat what you want day -- they actually announced this on the radio on that day and the radio announcer had to say "now if you have a food allergy, that doesn't mean you can eat that today." Do we really need to say that? If someone is that dumb, don't we kinda want to weed them out?

July: National Ice Cream Month -- My favorite month now! There are like six days that have something to do with ice cream. YEAH! (I didn't forget June...it just sucked)

August 8th: Sneak Some Zucchini Into Your Neighbor's Porch Night -- if you have the maturity of a 10 year old, like I do...this is really funny.

September 2nd: National Beheading Day -- where exactly is this currently being celebrated?

October 3rd: Virus Appreciation Day -- I'm not sure what I'm supposed to appreciate about a virus.

November 2nd: National Deviled Egg Day -- is it just me or are deviled eggs not really a November type food? that would be like having national Egg Nog Day in July. it just doesn't work.

November 15th: National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day -- someone alert the fridge gnome.

December sucks too so I'm done. I guess they ran out of ridiculous holidays by time they got to December and all they had left was National Bicarbonate of Soda day...jeesh.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Letters From Prison: The Trilogy

I got another compliment on my Letters from Prison series, so thought I needed to add another one. I'm super pissed at myself though because I had one where she discusses the prison tattoos she got and suggests that we get a tattoo together, but I can't find that one. This one is from about a month ago and is ok (though not as good as the tattoo one. My thoughts will be in {}.

"Hey, how are you doing? I was wondering if you ever had time and would like to visit me? {hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah....sorry, I think I just broke a rib laughing so hard} If so {no} my visits are at 6pm - 6:50 {about 50 minutes too long by my calculations} on Saturdays and you come thru {she spelled thru like drive thru...ha} the main doors and you need two forms of id {of course you do} you have 2 be here at like 5:40 pm though {you could've just saved yourself a whole lot of description} I figured I'd let you know in case you had a free Saturday. I love the Garfeild paper {i use up all my random stationary on her...garfield, lisa frank, etc....i almost typed anne frank there and was like wait, that's not right} you know aunt jan gave me that clock {of course she did.} i had it forever till the kids broke it {till i sold it for crack}."

"i'm glad your wine and choc. party was a hit, i wish i coulda come {let's see prison...wine and chocolate....prison...wine and chocolate...yeah, I'd pick the wine and chocolate party too.} Yes, I've gone fishing. I love it. You'll have to go with me sometime {no, thanks} My dads a BIG fisher {that's what she said} he used to have a boat to fish out of! {unnecessary exclamation point I think} you ever go camping? {i've been in Girl Scouts 21 years...what do you think?} It's lots of fun if you love the nature {and a bitch if you don't love the nature}. The best part is eating what you personally caught {and snorting what you've personally scored}."

"Well I hope IPODS got cheap. maybe like 100$ {sorry, that's not really where a dollar sign is supposed to go...i know its confusing because you say one hundred dollars, but just take my word for it} that's reasonable for me {um...you've never held down a job for more than 2 weeks. how is $100 reasonable?} I really want one. I'm thinking of all types of songs already! Well, maybe I can get a Wii this Christmas from someone {sorry, Santa says you're on the naughty list} but my celly {for those of you that have never been to prison that would be her cellmate} was telling me that PS3's are way better so maybe I'll ask 4 that instead {well, celly knows best}. I'm gonna get a shamrock tattoo when I get out {why wait?}. Yes, I love 2 read {i love how she uses numbers like she's texting...is it really that hard to right to?} in here I read about a book a day...all novals {you would think your spelling would be better then}. well out of room {thank, God}. Until next letter!"