Excerpts from a Letter from Prison

I opened my mailbox today to discover a letter from my one cousin in prison (I have two cousins in prison...so I have to differentiate.) My snide remarks will be in { }. I'll skip some of the boring parts because it was really long.

"How old are you, I can't remember? {that's always a good way to start off the letter.} You know I'm finally 21 and I didn't even really get to enjoy it! {what? being on the lam from police isn't enjoyable?} Are you dating anyone yet? I'm surprised you didn't get married and have any kids yet! But I do realize that your a career woman and very busy...{sister, you have no idea}. And your not even 30 yet, you have plenty of time!! {because if you didn't know, when you turn 30, your ovaries fall out.} I'm glad that I didn't have any kids yet {that makes two of us} cause I'm not ready. I'm gonna try to wait till I'm married! {I like the exclamation point here for some reason} "

"Well, I'm kinda in a lot of trouble {no shit Sherlock...you won't be able to get your driver's license till like 2013} because I keep doing stupid things. {there's the understatement of the year} but every time I do something I at least learn from that mistake {well hallelujah for that} and I'm pretty much out of mistakes now {somehow, I don't think that's going to be true} so if its God's will this will be my last time in prison! {how is God going to get blamed for this mess?}"

"Whenever I get sentenced I'm gonna be going upstate for a couple of years {do people really go upstate? I thought that was only on TV} and I'd like to keep in contact with you. {I'm so grateful} so our relationship can grow and you can be a positive infulance to me {not really sure what an infulance is, but pretty sure I don't want to be it to her} you are already like a role model to me! {well that worked out real well, didn't it?} and when I come home maybe we can hang out together {I can't stand the anticipation} and go to the movies, out to eat, {smoke some crack, roll a few joints, hold up a liquor store} and all types of fun things like we used to do! I really miss our friendship {yeah, sorry, but when you threatened to beat up my mom, that kinda ended me being nice to you}, our hanging out with you. I don't know about you but I used to have SO much fun with you and Aunt Jan {I had fun with me and Aunt Jan too!} Sometimes I wished Aunt Jan was my mom! {and sometimes I wished for a pony}. "

"How's your friend Danyel doing? {Danyel, how are you doing?} Well I hope everything with you is ok and that your in the best of health. {the best of health? who says that? are we in an episode of the Tudors? yeah, I'm ok, but my neighbor died from the sweat.} Please return my letter, I wrote you last time I was here and you never wrote me back! {didn't get the hint, did you?} I miss you and I love you."

I think I may actually write back this time because this could be ongoing entertainment!