The Box of Triscuits

Have you ever looked at a box of triscuits? I mean like REALLY looked at it. I was just collapsing my empty box of Rosemary & Olive Oil Triscuits for recycling and started reading the things on it. A few things to note:

• Under where it says "Rosemary and Olive Oil" it says "Natural Flavor With Other Natural Flavor." What? I'm not sure what they're trying to say. Is that supposed to be good?


• On the bottom of the box it says "This package is sold by weight, not by volume. Packed as full as practicable by modern automatic equipment, it contains net weight indicated. If it does not appear full when opened, it is because contents have settled during shipping and handling." Ok, I understand they put this on there so that people don't bitch when they open up their Triscuits and they're not brimming to the top. BUT...a) I had to google to see if practicable was even a word. You couldn't have said this better? and b) Don't give me that bullshit about he practicability of modern machinery. You're honestly trying to tell me that a machine can't shake the bag a little, make all the crackers settle, and then add more crackers until it's full?


• Under the ingredients where there's normally things about it containing tree nuts or whatever it says "Contains: wheat, celery." I get the wheat thing. But is there rampant celery allergies that I don't know about?


• My favorite part. On the side panel: "Triscuit. Weave Some wonder. At Triscuit, we believe less is more. That's why we bake our crackers with quality ingredients like Soft White Winter Wheat. Soft White Winter Wheat is grown in places like the Great Lakes region of North America by farmers who are skilled in harvesting this crop. We like to think of Soft White Winter Wheat as a kind of cashmere of wheat because of its soft texture and delicious taste. It's what gives Triscuit its golden color, distinctive crunch and 22 grams of delicious whole grain goodness per serving." Are you freaking kidding me? The cashmere of wheat? bahahahahahaha "Soft White Winter Wheat" must've tested really well with consumers since they mention it three times! It's even listed in the ingredients as "Whole Grain Soft White Winter Wheat." Must be the alliteration that people like. (Mrs. Christ, I'll take my extra credit please!)