Sometimes Yoga Things Really Horrify Me

The first time I found myself horrified by yoga was when my yoga instructor (the crunchy, yuppy one) had me put my big toe on my "third eye" aka forehead. I'm not really sure what freaked me out so much about this, but the whole thing just felt wrong (like kicking a puppy).

Well today I became even more horrified by yoga (though I still love it). I've been fighting a cold and was debating whether to go to yoga class today, so I did what anyone else would do and googled it. The answer was no, you should not do yoga when sick but they did recommend the "six purification techniques of yoga." I had never heard of this, but was intrigued so of course I then googled that and found this scary website. Here are the six purification processes as listed on the site and my comments in brackets [] since some of the things already include parenthesis. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe some fasting or something, but it wasn't this.

1. DHAUTI- Yogic cleansing of the digestive tract.
a. Antar ( internal )Dhauti -This further divided into -
Vatsara Dhauti (Expelling air through anus) [aka farting]
Varisara Dhauti (Evacuating a large quantity of water through the bowels) [what is considered a large quantity?]
Vahnisara Dhauti (rapid expanse/contraction of the abdomen) [ok, we've actually done this one in yoga class and is i would say the lesser of the evils]
Bahiskrita Dhauti (washing the rectum in the hands) [what?]
b. Hrida(cardiac) Dhauti - It has 3 kinds of practices -
Danda Dhauti (Inserting soft banana stem in the stomach) [i'm not even sure what to picture here]
Vastra Dhauti (Swallowing a long thin strip of cloth) [yummy]
Vaman Dhauti (Regurgirating the contents of the stomach) [and you thought this was an eating disorder...really its just yoga]

2. BASTI- Yogic colon cleaning
a. Jala (water) Basti (Water is sucked in the large intestine through the anus and expelled) [well, that doesn't sound like fun]
b. Sthala (Dry) Basti (Air is sucked in the large intestine through the anus and expelled) [oh, much better]

3. NETI - Yogic nasal cleaning
a. Sutra (thread) Neti (passing a soft thread through the nose) [i'm not sure it matters how soft it is. it still sounds like flossing the inside of your nose to me.]
b. Jala (water) Neti (passing warm saline water through the nose) [this happened to me in the ocean once. i don't recommend it]
c. Ghrita (ghee) Neti (passing clarified butter through the nose) [clarified butter? really?]
d. Dugdha (milk) Neti (passing of milk through the nose) [it's bad when i'm thinking "passing milk through your nose doesn't sound that bad"]

4. TRATAKA- Yogic Concentrated Gazing
a. Bahiranga (external) Trataka [i'm disappointed that there wasn't more info on this, so i did more research. this is basically staring at something...like a candle flame...without blinking until your eyes water...fun!]
b. Antaranga (internal) Trataka [this is just visualizing something with your eyes closed. seems almost too easy at this point]

5. NAULI – Yogic abdominal massage
a. Madhyama Nauli (the isolated contraction of the central muscles of the abdomins)[like pilates?]
b. Vama Nauli (the isolated contraction of the left part of the central muscles of the abdomen) [pilates?]
c. Dakshina Nauli (the isolated contraction of the right part of the central muscles of the abdomen) [again i thought pilates until i decided to google and found this disturbing picture]
d. Nauli kriya (the circular movement of the central muscles of the abdomen) [circular pilates?]

6. KAPALBHATI – yogic purification and vitalisation of the frontal lobes.
a. Vatkrama Kapalbhati (similar to bhastrika pranayama) [oh! well why didn't you say so! i looked this up. it's basically really fast breathing through your nose...like 3-4 breaths a second.]
b. Vyutkrama Kapalbhati (sucking water in through the nose and expelling it through the mouth) [in kate's words "i spend my time trying not to do this"]
c. Sheetkrama Kapalbhati [i love how they assume you know what this is. thanks to google i now know its the opposite of the one above. this one you suck the water...preferably salt water...in your mouth and expel out your nose...again, i try not to do this]

[yeah, all those just sound like tons of fun. One website I came across said "Of these six practices, many are best performed in private and would not be suitable for use during a class." no crap! it would have to be a really close yoga class in order to want to pass some clarified butter through your noses together! ps spellcheck really hated this post]