A Little Basic Italian

Well, folks, I'm back and I have a long trip to blog about (with pictures!) I hope you love pictures as much as I do. A big thanks to my bestest bud Danielle for covering for me while I was away (and for not posting pictures of the deer blood and hair on your car). I'm going to be blogging fast and furious to get Italy done before I leave for Kate's wedding cruise next Wednesday. This was originally going to be tight since I was planning on going to the gym like 6 times a day to work off the Italy weight before going on the cruise. However since I discovered this morning (and double checked) that I've actually returned 5 pounds lighter than I left, the gym plan has been scrapped. Sickening, I know. I honestly don't know how this happened since all nutritional guidelines went out the window, and I ate nothing but dairy based products, processed carbs, sugar, fatty meats, fried things and alcohol the entire trip.

Anyway, before I dive right into trip detail, I thought I'd start you off with a few basic Italian phrases. My mom had purchased a Rick Steves phrase books (Danielle and I love Rick Steves and his money belt) before the trip and when I discovered one of his helpful phrases in the food and restaurant section was "Nienti con gli occhi" which translates to "Nothing with eyeballs" I couldn't help but search further for other ridiculous phrases. So here's the format for this post. I'll give the heading that they were listed under. Then the Italian for each, English translation and my snide remarks in parens as usual.

Food and Restaurants:
E migliore di McDonald's? -- Is it better than McDonald's? (It better be. And I feel that by using this phrase you are doing a disservice to all Americans.)
Solo la testa, por favore--Just the head, please. (I am not eating just the head of anything.)
Da quanto tempo e morto questo --How long has this been dead (if you need to ask, you shouldn't eat it)
Mi sento ubriaca fradicia--I'm feeling wasted (Not sure this phrase would come to me at the moment that I need it).
Mangio solo insetti--I eat only insects (I wonder how many people are flipping through the phrase book going...how do I tell them that I only eat insects?)
Posso mangiare il suo cibo--May I eat your food? (greedy, aren't we?)

Travel and transport:
Dove un bel capotreno? --where is a good looking conductor? (haven't we all really wanted a good looking man that knows how to handle a train?)
Mi vende il suo cappello--Can I buy your hat? (it tells you to use this if you get pulled over by the police. I'm not sure if this is a subtle way of asking him if he can be bribed or if Rick Steves is dicking with us.)
Sono caduta e non nesco ad alzarmi--I've fallen and I can't get up. (Ok, Rick Steves, you are dicking with us)
Abbiamo un problema con prostitute--We have a problem with prostitutes. (Meant for hotel situation use, but really so many usage occasions).
Ho peso il mio la fiducia nel prossimo--I've lost my faith in humanity. (A little dramatic, don't you think?)

Health and visiting the doctor
Puzzo--I have body odor (It would have to be some serious stank to be going to the doctor in another country)
Ho una malattia venerea--I have a venereal disease (probably very useful, but I have the humor of a 12 year old, so I think it's funny.)
Ho vermi--I have worms (I'm sorry)
Ho saltato il ciclo mestruale--I've missed a period. (Always good to know how to say in every language.)
Il ml di testicoli--My testicles hurt. (I swear to you all of these were in the book. I am not making this up.)

Relationships--My favorite section
Mettitelo nel culo--Shove it up your ass. (sounds so much nicer in Italian.)
Non essere un figlio di puttana --Don't be a son of a whore. (Already added to my vocab)
Fuma marijuana? --do you smoke pot? (Rick Steve's must be a pot head because there are like four phrases about weed)
Lei crede negli extraterrestri?--Do you believe in extraterrestrial life? (always a good conversation starter)
E allupato? --Are you horny? (Speaks for itself)
Sono avventuroso--I'm adventurous.
Non ho malattie--I have no diseases (this is followed by the phrase "Ho molte malattie"--"I have many diseases")
Faccio solo sesso sicuro--I have only safe sex (how conscientious of you, Rick)
Passiamo una notte di fucco--Let's have a wild and crazy night.
Ti piace questo--How does this feel (I swear the section on sex is bigger than the one on food.)
Questa e la mia prima volta--This is my first time
Lo fai spesso?--Do you do this often?
Fa solletico--It tickles.
Oh mio Dio--Oh my God (wow, I feel like I just went through an entire one night stand in Italian).

Hope you enjoyed, probably be back later today for another post on getting to Italy and maybe the first few days of Roma!